18 year old HOCD?

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Okc221, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. Okc221

    Okc221 New Member

    Alright so I'm just going to be really honest here. Growing up I always liked girls and had crushes on them and never really thought of dudes in a sexual or relationship way. I never had to think about what my sexual orientation was because I just knew. My first exposure to porn was just youtubing "hottest girls" and watching a slideshow of attractive girls and I didn't even masturbate because at that age, I didn't even know what that was. Over time that escalated to real porn, then compilation videos, and finally the fetish that I have developed now. For whatever reason the fetish I feel upon after that was interracial porn. I don't really fully understand why it is but that is the fetish that I have now and have had for a while. Luckily, it hasn't really gotten to really twisted stuff but ever since I started watching these videos I feel I have developed HOCD. When I watch these videos I have to think, "am I watching this for the guy or for the girl?". This has caused me some anxiety about my sexuality especially since I've been trying to quit watching porn. I'm at a point in my recovery that I can get about 3-5 days porn free consistently before I relapse. After a couple days I just feel this anxiety and I feel like my brain tricks me into watching porn to get rid of this anxiety. My HOCD has been especially magnified by a past experience of ED with a girl. After my failure with her she asked me if I was gay, to which I thought was almost a joke and answered no but she told a friend about it and that got spread around in my highschool and even though no one really believed that I was gay, it made me really think it was a possibility. I was hoping to get some advice about overcoming HOCD and rebuiliding that confidence that I had with girls before I had my experience with ED, because after that I am almost scared to get in a relationship for fear that I will disappoint them and they will tell more people.

    Thank you
  2. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Administrator Staff Member

    Hi, welcome to YBR! Glad you can join us!

    I will give you the same advice I give other people who are questioning their sexuality because of porn... shelve these questions for the moment and dedicate yourself to your reboot. Porn can cause individuals to be attracted to types of porn that don't align with their sexuality. So if your attraction to men is porn-induced, it should clear up after you have completed a reboot. So if you want an answer to your questions... reboot, and don't give up until you are fulling rebooted. As you reboot you will find your interest in your fetishes gradually fading (that is if they are porn-induced). If they don't fade then it might be something innate in your sexual make up, but you should only worry about that problem when you have gone 100, 200 or more days without and are still feeling an attraction to men.

    Wish you the best, and please keep us updated!

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