17 Year Old -- Journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by melissa22, Nov 22, 2013.

  1. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    I've been masturbating/watching porn since I was 12, and now I'm seventeen. I really can't believe it's been that long and I quit today. I did it a lot (daily) when I was a pre-teen/early-teen. Then, I got older and it became less frequent (approx 2x/wk). I figured I wasn't addicted, since it wasn't daily and that I could stop at any time, only I never did. I tried to tell myself it was okay and even healthy, but I'd always feel so guilty and gross after.

    Also, it's been affecting my relationships. I can't get that turned on by guys. (I'm a girl) Like I want it and it feels good, but I feel so detached, I guess. I don't want to feel that way. Plus, when I watch porn I usually focus on the female and it's usually the more degrading scenes that I like, which is bad. I'm not attracted to girls, at all. It makes me uncomfortable that I can't orgasm without thinking about boobs.

    Anyways, I just feel super messed up about this and it's becoming too much to ignore or come up with excuses for. I'm done and I want to be able to have normal relationships and stuff. I want to be free from this addiction. I know this site is mostly for guys, but I have the same issue.

    More to come later! It feels good to admit I have a problem and take action to solve it!
     
  2. BigPete

    BigPete New Member

    I have great respect for you. The first step is just figuring out you have a problem with what you are doing, then you can fix it. It's never easy, trust me I know, but you can't give up. Set some goals for yourself and follow them, take it one day at a time. The conversations and real relationships you experience in your life will always be more rewarding and fulfilling than any porn ever. It's the people, new experiences and devotion to life itself that is going to save you. You have to make a choice, to choose real touch and love over fake and acted porn. Once you realize what you really want out of life, what your dreams and goals are then follow them! what ever they are. Be strong. All the best!! :)
     
  3. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Day 8

    A week and a day ago I quit masturbating, because I am addicted. I know it's wrong. I hate that I like doing it. I wish nothing was wrong. Oh, well. Anyway, I quit because I think it's affecting my relationships and it is not healthy to be addicted.

    I masturbated on Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, it was a real break. I felt like I couldn't do anything, unless I masturbated. Today, was different. I wanted to. It would have been only a little hard not to, so I did. Idk, maybe I just wanted a good sendoff? Whatever. Masturbation is actually something I enjoy, which is why it's so hard to give up. My body likes it, and my mind doesn't know how not to, I think. SO, I need a real plan to quit, not just some declaration or admission.

    Plan to quit:
    1. You are quitting because you want a fulfilled life. No, your life cannot be fulfilled if you masturbate, a little. Or if you think about porn scnenes you've already seen. That is a lie. You want to be able to have hot sex with a real guy. You want to have fulfilling relationships, which are better than anything you can think up or watch online.

    2. You try to convince yourself porn is okay, if you've already seen it. Lies. You try to convince yourself you can masturbate without porn. Lies. You try to convince yourself you have to, because you're horny. Lies. You try and try to lie to yourself. Don't.

    3. It is okay to be uncomfortable. The best things happen when you are uncomfortable. Masterpieces are made when you are uncomfortable. Muscles are made when you are uncomfortable. Be uncomfortable now, so you can be comfortable later. Being comfortable in an unhealthy habit is not true comfort.

    4. You can quit. You can. You don't have to be embarrassed. You don't have to think this is forever. It isn't. You can be free. One day masturbation will be a distant memory.

    5. It will be difficult, but you can. It will be uncomfortable, but you can. It will suck, but you can. It will be worth it, so do.
     
  4. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Thank you for your support and advice!
     
  5. Ryan94

    Ryan94 Began my life again on 21/03/2014 - Nowruz

    Hey Melissa, good to hear your story. To be honest, i read this a few days ago and i thought you had given up by not logging in for a while. Good to see that you're committed to ending this. An addiction is an addiction, no matter if you're a boy or girl. Many girls get much reduced sensitivity from Masturbation (with and without porn). I think it's good to stop this, just like us men.

    If you're really having trouble, you can go to reuniting.info. It's similar to yourbrainonporn.com, but it's more to do with sex and i think it's more female friendly/has a lot more female members on there.

    Why not get a counter and begin the No-fap Winter or December challenge? I'm interested to see how far you go.
     
  6. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Hey Ryan.

    No I didn't quit, I just thought that since I admitted I was addicted that would be the end of it (because the first few days were easy). I went to reuniting.info, but on their site it said it wasn't for porn addiction and there was a link to yourbrainonporn.com. Masturbation/porn addiction is thought of as a guy problem, so I wasn't expecting to find a support group of girls, really. I'm just going to stay here, since I started here. I'm okay with there not being a lot of female members.

    Thanks for your reply! I think I will put up a counter!
     
  7. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Day 9 of Journal and Day 1 masturbation-free.

    So today has been pretty successful, I feel like I won't masturbate. I realized the idea of never doing it again is kind of scary, to me. I am having trouble concentrating on the things I actually need to do today. I usually focus better after I masturbate. I'm just gonna distract myself with a movie.

    Any tips for focusing when it is difficult?
     
  8. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Day 10:

    Still going strong. I have been blocking out thoughts, because that is where it starts for me.

    Sidenote: I found out I didn't get the scholarship I was hoping for, which is a bummer. I am not as upset as I thought I'd be, though. I feel like it opened my eyes to how overly-selective I was being with colleges.
     
  9. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    It does start with thoughts for me also. If you let a thought take over, it will become an urge, which makes it much harder to resist.

    ahhh, I am in a similar situation with you, I am also looking at Universities...though I'm looking at grad school while you are looking to start college. It's okay to be selective, but make sure that you have backup schools on top of your backup schools. Depending on the major that you want to do, your chance may drop or increase. Good luck in your college search, feel free to ask me any questions about it if you need.

    Good luck on this reboot, you've just started and have a long road ahead of you but stay diligent and you'll reboot in no time.
     
  10. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    @Chammorrow

    Yeah, I've been trying to keep busy so that I don't get caught up in my thoughts.

    Making decisions about college is so.. ugh. I think my list is pretty good and I have a chance because of my grades and stuff. I have safeties, "probables," and a few reaches. Good luck in your search too, I hope you end up where you want to go the most!

    Thanks for the advice/comment, I appreciate it!
     
  11. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    Update

    Today has been a good day. I think I have (mostly) come to terms with the idea of never watching porn/masturbating, again. I have also been able to let go of a lot of sexual thoughts.

    Even though this post ( http://zenhabits.net/leggo/ ) is about procrastination, it can really be applied to any unhealthy attachment (like watching porn/masturbating). The whole site is pretty motivating -- like for self improvement, living the life you want to live, being a better person, etc.. I think it is nice that it talks about life changes, which help get rid of unhealthy attachments.

    If you go to the site tell me what you think ^.^
     
  12. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    17, Journal

    Yesterday and today have both been okay -- not very difficult. I'm starting to see the benefits, already.

    Last night, I had the best night's sleep. Usually my sleep on weekdays is crappy. Also, since I sometimes take naps it takes a little longer to fall asleep. Night time is usually my biggest problem time, because the idea to masturbate crosses my mind and then I think something along the mines of "I might as well since I am not doing anything else.." Plus, I become focused on it and it's just a mess. But, I've been sleeping better, yay!

    Also, I've been reading more. I like reading and I read a lot during the summer, but I usually feel too busy during the school year. Now, I am making time for little things I enjoy. I think the quality of my reading has improved, because I don't have to re-read as much. I feel more focused.

    I also am getting over some social anxiety and enjoying being around people more. I feel pretty awesome except for the thoughts that creep into my head that are super tempting.
     
  13. melissa22

    melissa22 New Member

    SO, the other day I masturbated w/o porn. I think it'll be more difficult to give that up than porn itself. When I can't sleep and I know what'll help me sleep.. I don't know what to do.

    Yesterday and today have been good, so far, though.
     

Share This Page