[16 yo, struggling w/ sissy as a crossdresser] A journal of words and music.

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by aLadInsane, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Hi all. Basically, I'm broken, and right in two halves.
    Quite literally, too. I'm sure there's two different people inside me.
    One is probably a woman, too.
    Firstly, I have two completely different moods, that interchange randomly, and one of the two has a disastrously negative view of life, and therefore acts like a prick.
    It's a part of me that I usually never see during the day, but when it affects me negatively, if I have to wake up to do something important, even things I like, it won't let me get up and when I go to sleep it won't let me rest. I have to learn how to control it and live with it in peace
    On the other hand, I really have no problem with this part of me being a woman. I'm bisexual, and enjoy crossdressing, so I definitely am feminine to some extent and it doesn't bother me at all, I think it's actually a little better than being completely straight/gay. It's just what I am. But knowing who you are is just a part of being a sane person. The other half is knowing how to USE yourself. Knowing how to control your capabilities and experiences and use them for your own good.
    For the "knowing who you are" part, I think this side of me is creating so many problems and insecurities to me firstly because A) my mother was fucking mad, so my feminine side has inherited all of her delusions and anxieties and B) it is being distorted by my usage of sissy hypno and shemale porn in general, which probably originated from a subconscious need to feel comfortable with my female part through the years. Basically.

    Anyway, let's talk about good stuff. I play bass guitar, guitar and a little percussion, music is a prominent part of my life and sometimes the only I find meaningful, so every time I log in here to write whatever's on my mind, I will post a song that I know helps me going through my day, hoping it'll help others too, and everyone'is invited to join in and post theirs as well.
     
  2. doanl

    doanl Member

    Congrats on the beginning of your journal!
    I started mine yesterday, and the feeling I got is to finally have a place where to talk without filter nor judgemental advices about all the problems I never had the courage to express.

    If there is a thing I can tell you, is that you are extremely young. Still, your thoughts about understanding who yourself is and what potential does yourself have are incredibly mature.

    Your brain is still developing, your body is still changing, and you are extremely lucky to have recognized at such a young age that dangers to their fully potential do exists.
    Furthermore, that you have the most powerful ally ever in protecting those values: you.
    This is just a forum, afterall, like I think NOFAP was (is? idk, this is the one I liked the most and didnt spent much time in looking around). It's just a means to not let your voice get lost in your own head, helping you in collecting your thoughts and putting them on text (they are more real once they are written, or at least that's how I feel). The value added by a forum is that you can abandon the feeling of being alone, as everyone who is here is in his own quest to regain whatever he has lost.

    But you are the fighter in all this situation, and I can't think of something more valuable to fight for than your own freedom, happiness, and happiness of who yourself is and what does he accomplishes.

    Good luck in your journey!
     
  3. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Yeah, that was my exact thoughts putting it down on paper or a screen or whatever.
    My father was a writer and poet, an actor too, a not too good musician, and an ex junkie.
    But one with a degree in literature, who had, at least, the will to make something beautiful, and that's surely one of the things that kept him sane and saved his very life, and he wrote some wonderful stuff, I seem to be pretty good with the guitar instead, but never wrote anything really personal on a piece of paper.
    I'm sure it's a form of mental cleansing equal to meditation. You gotta struggle to express a concept in the best way without the fastness, wittiness and interpretation of speaking. That's why one feels satisfied in the end. So even if I'll probably always be a not-too-good writer, it's a need I must satisfy for my own survival. And since now I just don't feel like starting writing anything intense, I though about being so used to post in all kinds internet forums, when I didn't have friends, and realized that perhaps it could be a less "hardcore" version of sitting in a silent room with a pen and a notebook (also there is never silence in my house. We're 6 people in six rooms bathroom included).
    I was on nofap for quite a while and it is a terrible place to me. Many get into concept and ways of thinking worse than porn addiction.

    PS - My father is now a carpenter and wood engraver, and he is terrific. So we built, and can build guitars. Totally unrelated but how cool is that
     
    Mekkeren likes this.
  4. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    But yeah on a more serious note, the only way to feel good is thinking about how the others feel. Always. However I still gotta learn a lot that. I am good by nature, but sadly I've never been taught humility by anyone except my father, and when I'm ok I'm basically a mini me of his, but he has been able to do so consistently just in the last year because my mother was an asshole and eould not let me see him for absolutely no reason.
     
    Lightseeker likes this.
  5. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    So, last night I couldn't sleep because of the heat, it's a couple nights I go running around my village then take a freezing cold shower and usually that seems to make me sleep like a baby, but last night it was so hot it didn't work, so I went ouside in the garden to smoke a cigarette and my eye fell on a spider who just finished setting up his web and was laying, completely still, in the exact center of it. Right next to a street lamp with underneath what seemed like hundreds of insects flyng around it. A short story about that immediately popped up, from start to finish, in my mind, so I finally took a pen in my hand and started writing. I spent three hours trying to give it form and sonething decent came about, I think. I did not sleep, but I'm very happy it happened. I'll translate that and post it here when it'll be cold enough to think here haha. I have a feeling that things really are, slowly, getting a little better.
    * * *​
    This is possibly one of the greatest songs ever by music and feel alone, the lyrics talk in an incredibly delicate and sweet manner about dealing with a deeply depressed dear person are just so, so poignant and soothing.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
  6. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Also, yesterday my silly brain made me read a random french erotic novel in order to compensate, and I just really I had to beat one off afterwards, because it obviously very much created tension in me. That alone would be no big deal, as it was one of the healthiest and most normal masturbatory episodes in a long time, but I realized how dangerous that kind of readings is to me now, because, afterwards, i dumbly started looking at sex stories on the web, but saw the end of the road before getting to it, so I quit after a few paragraphs and that's it. Gotta be careful with what I read and watch for sure.
    * * *​
    This song is originally about a loved one dying of cancer, but it fits addictions and commitment in stopping them extremely well, not your usual thrashy metal song, real good stuff
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2019
  7. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    So, seem to me getting my act together. I'm trying to do the best I can to wake up and help my family around the house and I'm studying music and reading to fill up time. I've been clean off porn since I've logged in here, I don't care about how many days that is, as long as I keep going.
     
    Mekkeren, doanl and Gil79 like this.
  8. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Making music and reading are really food for the soul. This will be my way of replacing porn as well. Nice music choices btw
     

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