100-days of no PMO

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Dukha, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    I've been posting a bit in another forum but this one seems more dynamic and interactive so I'm switching over to here.

    Also, I've finally gotten around to reading yourbrainonporn and it's great. I'm very interested to see where I might go with this as some of the testimonials are amazing. Reading over some of them I'm actually becoming aware of the fact that I think the porn addiction I've had since I was 11 has had a far wider effect on my life than I previously thought...

    Bit about me in case it chimes:

    Been using porn 30-odd years since I found a stash of magazines in a bush when i was 11, - me and my friends spent that summer hanging out and looking through all these magazines, kind of agog, and from there it was very rare that I didn't have any porn around somewhere.

    Used porn all through high school and college and beyond - always magazines and occasionally videos, and then when i got the internet went pretty crazy with that, always trying to get off of using it as at times I'd be staying up til 7 in the morning, whacking off for hours and hours, sometimes several times in one sitting. More recently I've found that I've used it for less time at a sitting but on a daily basis, though these sittings would often be around an hour at a time, often longer.

    I've done the usual thing of graduating through harder and harder stuff, to the point where recently I'd often find myself seeking out violent movies, degrading scenes and barely legal stuff too. Got into dark frames of mind, fucking lots of women who I had little interest in, using phone sex lines, spending vast swathes of time surfing and battering myself with simultaneous multiple movies with all sorts of shit going on.

    My first ever orgasm was to porn, I guess I was 12 or 13 or so, and I remember the shock of this happening, and now I guess this linked my sex life to porn deeply.

    Reading over the words on the YBOP site, I really do think that I've allowed porn to affect every part of my life without even realising it.

    Recently I stopped for around 45 days following a ten-day meditation retreat in the north of England, and this was a real eye opener (the retreat as well as the 45 days off porn). I'd not managed to do that before, always folding after a few days. But this felt different, and I was well aware of the expansion into life that I was feeling. I'm not sure how much of this was from the retreat, and how much was from the time off porn, but now I think each was an equal factor.

    Anyhow, I gave in a week or two ago and immediately lost my newfound mojo and regret it now, although I can also see the benefits of experiencing the failure - I think it will only serve to help me be stronger in my determination now.

    So my mission is to attempt 100 days clear of PMO, and then plan on taking myself off somewhere on my own at the end of this and accounting for where I'm at after this time. i should point out that by PMO I mean no Os with M involved, as I am having sex with my partner throughout this.

    I intend to replace the lost time with healthy pursuits such as going to the gym, running and so on, as well as meditation. I also intend to not be harsh on myself and to treat the urges to use the porn as friends in need of compassion and care.

    I'll be posting most days for a while I think, and hope to hear from people on the path.

    Good luck to all you others out there, and if you have any advice, send it my way please!

  2. Mystery

    Mystery New Member

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Hi Dhuka,

    Congrats on your start. New here myself and similar experiences to you in similar age and in finding magazines, shock of first orgasm to porn, etc. At least we started before the high speed Internet stuff.

    Your 45 day retreat sounded great for giving you a taste of what is yet to come. Keep remembering that feeling of expansion in life as motivation to keep on the path.

  3. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Thanks Mystery, congrats to you too, I've had a look at your posts and can see similarities with my experience too.

    The retreat I did was for 10 days, and I managed to steer clear of all material for 35 days after, eventually folding after tricking myself into watching some triggering stuff on youtube - a very small hop skip and jump it was back to my old sites I can tell you...

    I'm feeling very positive about it at the moment having managed a significant time recently and also feeling huge benefits from this.

    If it helps, one of the things that helped me last time round was a quote from Eckhardt Tolle which said something along the lines of 'what's the worst thing that will happen if you decide to just sit with these feelings, these urges, rather than giving in to them?'. It's a fact that they eventually go away and leave me feeling a lot better than if I'd given in and acted out.

    Good luck with your own journey.
  4. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Well, I've spent hours this morning looking around the ybop site and I feel like I've received some sorely needed information. I hope it helps me go hard out for the goals I've set myself now.

    I intend to not spend the same amount of time I was looking at porn lurking on this forum, as it could easily become a replacement, but I will be checking in most days.

    I'm so glad I didn't take things further with the porn habit - I did meet up for casual sex on craigslist and I very nearly got into ordering hookers to my house, phone sex was a regular part of using porn too, especially when I'd been drinking, and the material I was starting to seek out has no relation to how I am in daily life.

    My plan is now to:

    - Meditate daily
    - Start exercising seriously
    - Start doing some yoga too - I've always thought this might be good for me
    - eat healthily and cut out sugars and bad fats
    - drink moderately
    - NO PMO, obvs, but also NO indulging in triggering moveis on youtube, celebrity pictures and whatever - this is what led to me breaking my 45 day fast before
    - make sure i sleep properly
    - minimise pointless internet surfing

    That'll do for now.

    On the retreat I did I really came in to full contact with the deeper part of myself that has no need for this compulsive action - I know that inside every songle person, as cheesy as it sounds, there is pure light and pure being, radiant with love and wisdom. I want to align myself with this, not with the sad man I was, hunched over the fucking computer whacking off to women being degraded and abused. The majority of women in porn come from abusive childhoods and I want no part in an industry that supports this, and I want no part in objectifying, abusing and belittling people.

    We have choice in all of our actions.
  5. zman

    zman New Member

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Welcome Dukkha,

    Sounds like you're off to a really good start with some admirable goals. This a great place get support from others who really understand what you are going through.

    Stay strong and keep journaling-- it really helps!
  6. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Welcome to the brotherhood Dukkha,
    Use this journal to keep your self accountable and post often. Good luck!
  7. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Thanks guys, your messages are appreciated.

    It's been an easy first 24 hours and i suspect it will continue to be so for a while, as I've been through this before, and I think I did myself a great service with no PMO for 45 days recently as the last few times I used porn were pretty easygoing and I wasn't back in to the hours of use I've been into in times gone by. I think there's a cumulative effect of having gone without for so long, and quite happily too (albeit with plenty of hard shit along the way), and only to have used in relatively small doses the 3 times I have used since then. We'll see though...

    Again, it's been a revelation to find the information on ybop, and I spent quite a lot of time reading the site yesterday. I feel I've had a good download of information and will be back to it to learn more, but today I want to focus on getting some stuff done that I've been putting off for a while, and don't want to get into spending hours and hours poring over this site. I suspect that a fair bit of the problem is internet surfing addiction anyway, and this is something I'll be looking at a bit further down the line.

    I'm looking forward to seeing what comes of the no PMO thing over a longer time. In the 45 days I did recently I certainly discovered some unexpected gifts, and these seem to be shared with many people who use porn and then get off it completely. I thought I was suddenly coming in toa new phase of life for no reason and now I can see that much of that was to do with simply not defining myself and being fenced in by my shameful porn use.

    This has been going on for almost 30 years - 75% of my life. WTF! I've been pretty good with the ladies in the past and have had a fair few partners and a lot of sex, but now I look back I can see so clearly what I always knew - that this is almost always down to heavy alcohol use and abuse. Nearly all of my previous relationships started after a drinking binge and drunken sex.

    I'm in a relationship now that also started this way, although in not quite so rowdy a fashion as is the norm, and I'm not sure where we're at at the moment. It's only been 6 months and we have a strong connection in some very deep ways, but I can't shake the feeling that we're not meant to be. I must admit that I like the idea of starting something new that comes from a place of real choice (she was about when i was a bit lonely, we got drunk, she spent the night at mine and off we went from there...), though i also think that I have a tendency to move on, wanting something fresh, when it gets serious as it has been starting to do. We'll see.

    Hm, time to get on with my stuff now.

    Big ups to all of you out there - hope you're doing well and fighting the fight as best as you can.
  8. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Just wanted to write and say I feel a real kinship with you brother. I saw what you posted in my journal, and something about what you said made me come and check out your journal - and I'm really so glad that I did.
    We have a lot that we share in common...from our age to our use of porn to being a fan of Mr. Tolle. And the thing you said about "I want no part in an industry that supports this, and I want no part in objectifying, abusing and belittling people." And making some sort of compassionate pece with the demons instead of battling them. And a few zillion other things in your posts...seriously. You're speaking a common language with me mate.

    I'm happy to walk the path alongside you bro! I'll keep checking in.
    Love and light.
  9. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Thanks JDoe, good to know you're here mate.

    I've again spent far too much time on this site today - pretty much definitely as much as I would have done looking at porn - so as from now I'm limiting my time to 30 minutes a day max on here, to read others' posts and to update mine.

    I have a lot I want to do with my time, and I've never made the time for myself. I'm at a point with work where things could get really good for me, and I'm lucky that I do something that means a lot to me. I want to really dig in and see just what I can do if I put myself into it fully.

    No more fucking around surfing the net, filling in time, no more pissing about playing games, it's time to get real and make the most of my precious life.

    Sending warmth, love, goodwill and strength to all of you on this forum, doing what you can do make your lives better and more meaningful.

    May you be happy, and may you find real peace and real clarity in your lives.

    Over and out for today.
  10. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Amen to that mate! :)
    I need to do the same (stop blowing so much time in front of the keyboard, and spend more time actually LIVING REAL LIFE instead!). Again, your message has served as an inspiring reminder to me. I can see how I am slowly replacing my addiction to porn with an addiction to wasting time on the net. I know this is no longer serving me, and it is time to set myself some limits here.
    Good on you for already taking steps in that direction - and thank you again!

    Wishing you all those very same things! All the best brother.
  11. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Good idea man. It is difficult because you want to support everybody, but time on the internet slows down re-boot IMHO.

    Good luck man, you are doing great.
  12. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO.

    Thanks boys. Stay strong, stay brilliant.

    So just a few minutes here as I've decided to time myself online now - I have a stopwatch set up just to note how much time I'm online for with non-vital stuff. Although I count being here as vital, it's also an easy route into pissing about online, which, as I've said above, isn't what I want to do with my time. So I'm limiting myself to 30 minutes here, which will come down to probably 20, and for the rest of the time on the clock it's really just about being aware at this stage, and also I think the act of recording will make me take responsibility for my time too.

    Had a magnificent meditation this morning - full of shining mindfulness, clear presence and a very real awareness of the intensity of the rising and passing of sensations in my body, and of thoughts in my mind, of the silent state of watchfulness and the infinite depths of what I might experience if I allow myself to commit to this path.

    Today is day 3, the 3rd step along a 100-step road that will finish with me sitting at the viewpoint looking back and deciding where to tread next.

    I had a very strong sex dream last night about being in prison - more like a hotel - with a sexy friend of mine. Lots of sex and sloshing of cum all over the place - obviously a reaction to my decision to quite PMO here. I was choosing to be in the prison so I could have casual and filthy sex rather than being free.

    I have no desire right now to use porn (other than the continual background hum which has come to define who I am in day to day life), though I did go through some obvious patches yesterday where I would have definitely acted out. It was a reasonable easy decision not to, but I have to acknowledge the situation. Of course, I feel great for not going through with it.

    So now the main focus once again is to keep the connection with the shining, perfect and radiant part of myself that is within every single one of us, and refer back to that when I'm feeling the urge to use porn. This aspect of our being is actually more than an aspect - it IS us - and all of the habits and patterns that we define ourselves by are just parts of the strange process by which we cope with our lives from an early age. We come to identify with these often misguided and deluded habits as being us, but the truth is far better and a thousand times more wonderful than we can imagine.

    I've experienced this first hand, and it's to be found in the experience of countless others too, and this is where I'm orienting myself towards now.

    I don't have time or room for the deluded crap that I wallowed in for so long.

    When the urges to use porn come along, as they will, I intend to bring them closer and sit with them, and shine the light on them as best I can until they pass through. Everything arises and passes away, this is the truth for every single aspect of life without exception. The worst and most painful thing that can happen by sitting with these feelings is that I will feel uncomfortable for a while, maybe quite mental, but they will move on. In fact the most painful thing I can do with these feelings is to give in to them..

    'Demons' are not to be cast out and expelled, where they will only grow in anger and retaliation, they are to be brought close and showered with compassion and included with warmth and love, with a level head. This way they can transmute and bring strength to the whole.

    Hm. I've gone off on one, but I mean every word of it.

    Off out now to swim and enjoy the morning air.

    Until tomorrow.

    May you all be taking real care of yourselves out there, and may you all find true happiness, true peace, true self-love, and keep yourselves free of self-harming activities for another day.

  13. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Perfection! :)
    Totally inspiring.
  14. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Day 4.

    Keeping this super short as I'm busy as hell, but I'm really good, really clear. had a rough time with the woman last night so not much sleep and now I'm working so I'll be pretty knackered later on, but I'm totally fine right now.

    PMO? Fuck no!

    Be rad.

  15. Mystery

    Mystery New Member

    Hey D,

    PMO? Fuck no indeed. Good job sticking with it.

    I find your posts inspiring. Instead of giving in to, or fighting your Demons, shower them with compassion including warmth and love so they can transmute and bring strength to the whole.

  16. Aldous

    Aldous New Member

    Hi Dukkha, I too find your posts inspiring, and I too am brand new to this site. Sometimes I can get down about this whole thing and feel lifeless and tired. I love your enthusiasm and your positive outlook. I think if you keep going like this 100 days will be done before you know it....then go on....forever! Do we ever need porn? Why bother? I also enjoy Tolle's work. He talks about being the "silent watcher"....just watch the impulses, the urges, don't identify with them, just let them be. Then let them float by. When watching in this way they kind of take care of themselves. I like what you said about not only watching them but giving them love and attention. I think that helps you not judge yourself and view these things as "bad", just things that need your attention. Anyway, thanks again for your inspiration, I enjoy the spiritual aspect you bring to the problem and your positive outlook. Keep pluggin!
  17. JDoe

    JDoe No amount of pixels is ever gonna love you back...

    Just checking in to see how you're doing today mate...
    Hope all is going well for you.
  18. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Re: 100-days of no PMO (day 8)

    Day 8.

    Thanks for the comments JDoe, Mystery and Aldous. Aldous (Huxley? have you read 'Island' by him? I recommend it) - the silent watcher thing is a good one to practice, and then if you're up for it you can go into 'who is aware of the silent watcher?'...!)

    I decided to take a few days away from the computer, not so much for non-PMO reasons as to just be out and about away from the internet as it's been good weather and there's lots to do out there. This was a good thing to do.

    Today would ordinarily be a day where I automatically switch on the porn as the girlfriend is out of town for a bit. I would usually be a little careful about my porn use when she's around a lot as it definitely affects our sex life. I've only had a little ED from porn use in the past, but using does make me a lot less interested in the real thing and it makes the sex a lot less real and good, that's for sure. So usually I would pull up my usual sites pretty much the moment the door shuts behind her and be going for it for at least an hour or two to make up for lost time... Not today though. I have the same urges, maybe not quite as strong due to some time off the porn now and some sex the last few days, but still there.

    I've been dreaming about porn - finding really 'good' stuff, situations with women in dreams becoming porn-like, photographs turning into porn and so on - the last few nights, and I can definitely feel the pull to indulge.

    The sensation for me when the urges come is something like a need to fill my core up with something that isn't there, or to expunge what is there out into the world. Sometimes it feels like an urge to breathe fully, like I'm not completely alive or something and need to inhale something else.

    I've decided the next week or so that the gf is out of town I'm going to be doing a few things with discipline:

    Up by 6.30 every day.
    Morning meditation of 1 hour.
    Evening meditation of 20 minutes.
    Running, swimming, gym - one per day.
    Timing internet usage with the stopwatch.
    Focussing on getting my work done before any other distractions in the mornings (this site being the exception - I can be here for 30 mins)
    No drinking alcohol.
    No PMO, obvs.

    This morning in my meditation I felt, as I often do, the deep stillness underneath all of this grasping around that I do, and I want to work to bring this in to my everyday life more and more.

    Every single sensation that comes along, passes away. We can act on these sensations, or we can choose not to act on them.

    As I type this I'm sat here with a gnawing feeling of wanting to feed the urge to look at porn, to quell it and to flush it out of my system by clicking the mouse and finding my well-worn tgps and movie sites. Instead for now I'm going to sit here for a few minutes and babysit it, give it some time, give it some love and some warmth, make it welcome, be kind to it, with the knowledge that I'm not going to give in to its demands.

    Instead of looking at those pixels and those representations of other people, I'm going to sit here and absorb the peace of this day and ponder on the many things I might get done instead.

    The sun is shining here. I hope it is with you too if you're reading this.

    Keep on keeping on. Be kind to yourself.
  19. zman

    zman New Member

    You have a very ambitious schedule. I can relate to the urge and almost magical pull those old favorite porn sites can have. It sounds like you have a very good plan to avoid them.

    Stay strong.
  20. Dukha

    Dukha Guest

    Thanks Zman, it's appreciated.

    Had a good day today, though the stopwatch says I've spent 4 hours online today - here, on news sites and generally looking at shit I don't really need to look at. Still, at this point I'm just curious to see how my net habits are without porn.

    I have very little interest in porn still, though am interested to note that the urge to just flip the switch is constantly bubbling away, especially engaging so much in this forum. I'm finding these pages very helpful though, so I'll keep an eye and see how it goes.

    I meditated, cleaned my apartment and swam today and managed to get a decent amount of work done, and am sat here feeling pretty fucking good as it goes. Working from home alone doesn't make this any easier, but right now I'm good.

    I'm very aware of how I look at women in the street. Literally just checking their tits, ass, legs, face in that order and making a judgement on them. There was a beautiful woman at the pool today and within a second I had her pegged as having too small tits, and too wide thighs. She was stunning and sweet-looking and it made me really wonder at myself. This is how I've gone through my days all my life, usually also putting any attractive woman I see immediately into a hardcore scenario too.

    This isn't how I want to be, and it isn't how I am going to be.

    How about meeting the sight of that beautiful woman with an acknowledgement of her sexuality, but also a full appreciation of what her life may be and what her inner world might contain, and the recognition that she is a complex and exquisite creature with a thousand living aspects to her?

    The thought of shutting out the world right now and losing myself in pornography and self-disgust is downright ridiculous.

    Keep it real.

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