100 day experiment - daily post

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by igrow, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 13 - Success

    Felt most at risk in the morning, woke up late and didnt start my morning routine and plan as soon as I woke. Thats risking feeling lazy and acting on the feelings of being horny. Almost slipped.

    Strong cravings. Mind is getting clearer as time goes by. Noticing more of the minds tricks.
    Cant and wont fail.
    Need to increase the amount Im journalling.
    Need to stick to morning and evening routines without fail. Major part of the structure for success right now.

    Keep moving forwards.

    Day by day.

  2. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 13 - Success

    Almost failed today. Sexting temptations are strong. I should really cut off those girls. There is no point.
    I need to be better. I need to be and stay stronger.

    Stay strong.
    Remember why.
    Remember how high the stakes are right now. I cant and will not fuck up.
    Ill only get stronger and more strict with this as time goes on.

    The only way.

    Day by day.

  3. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 15 - Success

    I was so tired yesterday I did day 13 twice! lol. (last post says 13 it should say 14)

    Going strong. Main temptation is sexting.
    Mindset is strong, weak moments.
    Need to remember not to trick myself. The mind plays tricks. All sorts of funny rationals that it creates. Thats why this is needed.
    Reminders that Im after a healthy mind
    A mind that is reset from being fried from all these dopamine hits
    A mind that is recovered and can see things clearly.

    Right now Im not seeing straight. My perspective is tainted by a porn/sexual lens that really isnt helping in any aspect of my life. Thinking back on things sometimes I wonder if all my major actions were either because of sexual related thinking or hindered by sexual related thinking.

    Fuck that. I need to and am recovering. The fog is less now but still there, when a sext comes through unexpected or even if I notice sexual thoughts late- I can feel that heaviness fog come back into my mind. Its a real palpable feeling.

    I will get stronger with time. I need to go through this low to get to the high. I need to keep analyzing and learning every day. I need to keep noticing and taking further steps to better my chances of success.

    I will get through this. When I turn 30 this will be something I have fully left in the past. I will be excited about the future knowing I can rely and trust myself. I really dislike not being able to trust myself with these resets. I havent struggled with any other addiction but this one. I dont know adult life without porn- without this being my lens. I need to know myself without this. I need to go into the next phase of life knowing that - creating that. Dont be scared. It will be hard but a better version of me is waiting to be manifested. I must have faith and stay the course. I cant deal with not trusting myself or facing the disappointment. There is too much on the line now and thats why im here typing in this forum. Its the last time and there is no room for excuses. I cant let myself down. I need to meditate more- create more moments of awareness through the day to decrease the chances of relapsing and then laying there disappointed. Fuck that. Bigger and better and wiser.
    Be a future success story. So anyone reading this knows its possible. You just have to do whatever it takes no matter how it sounds or looks like. If you need to journal regularly and just talk and remind yourself multiple times a day for months and months then so be it. whats 100 days of journalling and conditioning the mind to be healthy what is that next to fucking 16 years of conditioning to porn.

    get it done.
    you got this.
    you all got this.

    day by day.

  4. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 16 - Success

    Busy mind today, bringing up lots of past porn and past favourites to mind. Didnt dwell on them. Thank GOD i'm past the initial days or the times before this where one flash in my mind of a favourite clip could just take over me. Next thing I know im watching it and 20 other tabs are getting opened. Im stronger than that now but only because of daily conscious effort. Journalling and meditation. Without those Ill be right back in that same position and feeling disappointed. I cant let that happen. There is a small part of that addict still left in me that is sad about not watching porn that still craves it and tried to make excuses to watch or rewatch some. Bullshit rationals. Cant go backwards. Cant. Grateful for the progress made but mindful of every moment and potential slip up. Dont get comfy at all. Its a long long road ahead and thats okay.

    Its a hard day. Heavy feeling. Lethargy and a bit of a headache.
    All standard and usual as part of this journey. Ill get through it and get to the other side. Whatever it takes.

    Need to be very mindful and plan days better. Plan so that I can direct my energy and mind towards something useful. Otherwise it will result in other avoidance habits. Brain will be craving a dopamine hit from somewhere, may as well make it useful and productive.

    Staying strong. More disciplined. Less mobile phone use.

    Day by day.

  5. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 17 - Success

    Journalling and meditation. Two fantastic tools to help get through this period.

    Waves of temptation come up, a lot of the times for me in the form of irritability and restlessness. Succeeded in overcoming them today.

    Getting more strict - deleted some apps and restricting phone use to only essentials. Removing the temptation of sexting.

    Feel like mind is getting clearer. Lots of work and emotional stress coming up in the next months. Need to be mindful and stay extra strong, responsible, accountable and vigilant. Emotional stress is a major trigger.

    Keep going. Keep going.

    Day by day.

  6. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 18 - Success

    Starting to have moments of realising how 'alone' I am. I suppose porn and especially 'friends' that I was sexting sort made me feel like I wasnt. Interesting realisation to have.

    Busy day today, out working all day. Didn't allow for any thoughts to pop up. Usually a day like this would end with me escaping into my favourite porn categories.

    Not today. The consistency and momentum is helping. The reasons for doing this are still there. This journal / journalling in general is a tool to keep me focused and to condition and recondition my mind for the better.

    Continue with porn and Im just harming myself.
    Continue with porn and Im just destroying my mind, my motivation and my belief and trust in myself.
    Continue sexting and Im just ruining current relationships and creating more suffering for myself.
    Continue sexting and never really get over this issue and lie to yourself.
    Continue sexting and porn and never be the best version of yourself. Start your thirties disappointed or start them feeling stronger than ever?

    Stay strong and focused.

    Day by day.

  7. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Exodus 17:8 - 13

    It's when Israel goes to battle against Amalek, and when Moses held up his hands, Israel would win, and when he would let down his hands, Amalek would start winning. And Moses got so tired, that Aaron and Hur would hold up his hands for him. (It's my profile picture)

    For 5 years I tried to quit by myself, and got nowhere. I asked for help from others one time, the first time, and I got my 10 month streak. Quarantine started, I got isolated again, and fell again.

    Ecclesiastes 4:10
    "For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!"

    If anything, use this as your reminder that none of us can pull it off alone, and that you're not alone.
    igrow likes this.
  8. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 19 - Success

    Okay. Good day, was busy and engaged mostly so didn't notice too many cravings.

    Sexual thoughts / past experiences are being brought up in my mind. Noticing them come and go is the key and I've been managing to do so. Will power yes, but without the tool and practice of meditation I don't think I'd have been successful upto now. I think my mind is bring whatever memories it can to try and trigger me to act and get off.

    Re-reminded myself this morning as I do now every day, of the importance of what I'm doing and the importance of self talk. Over time conditioning my mind until these thoughts are built in.

    I am not a porn user and I'm not someone who masterbates.
    I use my energies wisely and healthily.

    I re-read some of the thoughts from past journals. A fear I will have to get over is once I have a release (with a woman) that that will be a trigger as it will stir up the energies again. This has happened twice before. For this reason the 100 days will include any form of O. I think thats better.

    Staying strong day by day. Maintain good routine and habits. Dont forget the importance of self talk, journalling and reminding yourself of how high the stakes are right now. Day 19 of 100. 30 years old soon. Need to be the best version of me. WILL NOT start the new decade feeling defeated or let down by self. Need to kick this addiction once and for all and know my adult brain, for the first time, porn free.

    Day by day.

  9. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 20 - Success

    Day felt unproductive, felt restless.
    Going through the process, cravings and changing of internal chemistry.
    Brain felt a bit dull.
    Got to just keep going through it. The stricter I am with myself through this time the quicker a full reset will happen.
    If i make excuses for myself and allowances then Im just furthering the process and making it harder for myself.

    Day by day.

  10. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 21 - Success

    Busy day, not a lot of time to process feelings. Keeping strong and moving forward.
    21 days is good, happy to be here, first time in a few months. Months and months to go.
    There will be good and bad days. Self talk, Self Image, Self belief. All essential.

    Keep journalling. Keep meditating. Keep believing.

    Keep making the small daily adjustments that are needed, as you learn, implement the change straight away.

    I will turn 30 with a healthy mind, with no PMO addiction, with a clear and strong mind. Knowing I'm the best I've ever been.

    Day by day.

    -Luke- likes this.
  11. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 22 - Success

    Proud of myself for getting this far.

    -Waking up hard and horny - some sort of sexual dreams are not uncommon

    -Happy to have made journalling a habit, its helping a lot, making me more mindful and has saved me a couple of times. Also its providing good feedback to look back on and help make adjustments moving forward

    -Sort of worrying a little bit about flatline - I don't know too much about it? Why does it happen? How long does it last. If someone reads this and wants to
    help me understand please do. Regardless I'll ride it out whatever the duration. I notice worries come up which then lead to rationalisations that my mind makes up - which has lead to relapses in the past. So I wont be listening to my mind. There will be no excuses.

    -Another 'worry' or realisation that came to me yesterday after reading a post somewhere on here was when detoxing and going through this processes, the slightest 'fix' of dopamine can cause a big imbalance. At this stage even if I watch a sexy youtube video or something sexually related that isn't porn. It's still having that affect on my brain and because it's been 20 something days, that affect feels magnified and the effects last a day or more.
    Realising this its EVEN more important to be extra strict with myself about any form of sexual consumption. I'm harming myself at this point if I let anything slip by.

    Other than that keep moving forward. Day 22 is great but there is still a long ass ways to go buddy! So the journey continues. Great job on noticing that the main trigger is emotional pain of some sort- leading to avoidance. Now is the time to address all that trauma and face all those difficult situations like the man you know you can be. Rather than hiding and avoiding.

    Stay strong. You'll get there.

    Day by day.

  12. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    What are the dreams like? About this time in my reboot I was no longer dreaming of pornstars or unrealistic women. Instead, I was dreaming of real world women I knew.
  13. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 23 - Success

    Long, tough day. Non PMO related. No sexual cravings today, no risks of sexting. Was too busy. Noticing less sexual fantasies although my head still turns if I drive by a beautiful woman. Normal I guess? I notice it almost straight away, it no longer causes an arousal that gets out of control or wastes time in fantasy thoughts.

    Need to be aware of the mood swings and changes in mind state while Im going through this. It would be great if i didn't have to make many big decisions in the next 3 months while going through this process. But as is life- I have to make the most crucial ones to date.

    Stay strong and stay focused.
    Keep going day by day.
    Stay consistent here. Look forward to getting healthier and healthier in your mind.
    Look forward to being the best you've ever been when you turn 30 years old, knowing you went through a real real struggle to get there and did it. For yourself. For your future.
    The stakes are too high now, you are responsible for yourself. No more disappointment. Strength, Growth, Self Love.

    Day by day.

  14. igrow

    igrow Member

    Hey, for me my dreams have usually been real women I know or knew.

    Good job on your progress too Sir. Keep staying strong and do not get complacent at all.
    Battlesword1 likes this.
  15. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 24 - Success

    All I know is keep going. Shit dont stop.
    Can't and won't be too complacent. Can't be. I've gone 70 days before and slipped up and then regressed so deep into the fog I couldn't even recognised the newer Self I was becoming.
    I wont slip up this time. I'm taking it day by day. I'm reminding myself each and every day how important this is.
    I'm making the adjustments and I'm remembering and envisioning the scary shitty future ahead if I don't conquer this bullshit. I'm also remembering and slowly building and envisioning the potential brighter future if i do.

    Keep going, don't let yourself down. Stay focused. Whatever comes, whatever cravings develop, whatever tricks the mind plays. Watch it come and go.

    The stakes are too high.

    Cravings for porn aren't really a huge issues past days, brief moments. For sexting (essentially the same) cravings are still there, challenges still are arising.

    Day by day.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  16. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 25 - Success

    Keep moving forward. Day by day is a great philosophy.
    Proud of myself for getting this far, wise enough now to know I'm still in nursery. Long ways to go. Will get there step by step.

    Lots of sexual thoughts today that managed to get controlled.
    Stressful day- noticed the internal pull towards wanting to escape. Didn't allow it to happen. Journalling and meditated instead.

    Dont let doubts or mind trickery make you lose yourself and relapse- you know that will be followed by downward slope. Remember the game plan is no excuses - no negotiation - no listening to the minds tricks or the minds logic or the overwhelming emotions from time to time.

    Head down, no excuses, focus. Itll be worth it on the otherside. It will be clearer on the other side.

    Staying strong.
    Reset the mind. Become all you can be.

    Day by day.

    Moses1991 likes this.
  17. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 26 - Success

    Meditation is helping a lot. With being able to be aware of my emotions. Not running away to escapism when things get hard.

    Woke up very horny today with lots of sexual thoughts.

    Busy the rest of the day.

    Feeling clear minded and noticing this new less/no fog state of mind at diff times during the day. Wondering how life would be like to always be in this state? Wondering how life could've been like if I was always in this healthy mind state.

    The future has lots to offer.
    I must and will stay strong. There is no choice in the matter anymore. Keep the routine. Keep using the tools. No deviation, no excuses.
    The stakes are too high.
    Having a sub optimal brain state and physiology at this stage in life is unacceptable.
    The stakes are too high.

    Day by day.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    nice work dude, quarter of the way!
    igrow likes this.
  19. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 27 - Success

    Mornings are still quite tough. A good reminder the struggle continues. Very lethargic morning. And horny.

    But strong. Staying strong. Keep using the tools. Keep going.

    Day 27 of 100 is great, just still early days. Day 27 of forever.

    Getting healthier and clearer in mind and thought.

    Don't stop, stay focused.

    Day by day.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  20. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 28 - Success

    Emotional Stress is the biggest trigger.
    When feeling overwhelmed. Want to go into a state of 'I aint dealing with this shit'. Can't continue that pattern
    Recognising it more and more.
    Awareness is key.

    In the peak of it all I almost slipped up- I could hear a weaker version of me beckoning me back. With a care free negative attitude of 'fuck it' that fog- i can remember it. I cant and wont go back there. Im not looking back. If i look back its just to remember why i need to keep looking ahead!

    Using these tools, staying consistent, staying accountable. Journalling for this positive self talk. Creating the character needed. To remember what to feed and what to starve and let die. The addict dies slow, and puts up a fight.

    I will be the human I can be proud of. the human I want to be and expect myself to be. facing challenges head on without fucking having to resort to hiding away or distracting myself with sexting or porn. flooding my system with chemicals and staying addicted to escapism.

    Fuck that. Im stronger than that. So what if there is stress around, facing it is the solution not hiding away. not letting addictions help keep you away from progress. No way. No matter how hard it is, face it, come out of the other side, without resorting to bad destructive habits.

    Be proud of yourself. Be someone you can trust.
    Keep moving forward.

    Day by day.

    Battlesword1, -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.

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