100 day experiment - daily post

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by igrow, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. igrow

    igrow Member

    Inspired by Parasite;

    This will be a daily post for myself, self talk and reminders. Stream of thought style rather than structured or coherent.

    Short background for those who come across this, if any.
    29- first came across porn at 12. Wanting to quite porn / masterbation since 2014 and haven't been able to. Therefore problem. Turning 30 in November. This is it. I will conquer this issue once and for all, reset the minds thought patterns and be the best version of human being I can be.

    Decided to sign up and post here after coming across Parasite's journal. He came, he did what he needed to do and he left. No idea who he is or how he is doing now but I wish him well. Thanks for the inspiration.

    I signed up and posted publicly, somehow in my mind it raises the stakes.

    The longest I've gone before with no PMO is 82 days.

    Wish you all success.

    No Porn, No Sexting, No Masterbation, No Sex

    Day 1;
    Day one of 100 is done.
    Here will be a summary. Throughout the day when I feel urges or have moments that could lead to triggers I write on my phone notes- self talk and reminders.
    Today I wrote a lot - 4000 words.
    I felt good today, but there was still struggles. Had urges to fire up an incognito tab a few times- was mindful. Had urges to engage in sexting, stayed mindful.
    I feel the heaviness on my mind. The fog is still here.
    I feel the resistance, the fog and the lethargy, cravings not being satisfied is creating irritation.

    Stay mindful- this will pass.

    Successful day.
    I will continue on this final reboot and rewire my brain. I'll take control of this mind and direct it where I want it to be and no longer be a slave to a conditioned mind.
    A mixture of self love and being a hard ass to myself.

    Lets go.

    Keep journalling
    Keep meditating
    Keep that positive self talk going
    Keep up the good replacement habits
    Keep reminding yourself why you're doing this.

    One day at a time.

  2. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Good luck man! It's a long journey, but a journey to a better you!
  3. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 2

    Another successful day. Not without its challenges.
    I was re-reading some past journals that I kept through previous attempts of stopping PMO, picked up and made a list of triggers and withdraw symptoms to watch out for. If i identify what I may go through, low moods, lethargy, mood swings etc... I can prepare my mental game to deal with them well and get through them.

    I had waves of lethargy today and a few waves of craving. Watched them come and go. Success. It was hard and I know it's going to get harder. But I'm better prepared than I've ever been and the stakes are too high this time.

    I want to keep reminding myself daily of the challenges I may face and the triggers to watch out for. I also want to remain mindful that it won't be over and not to lower my guard even when I'm getting to days 50, 60, 70. Just because I feel like I am stronger doesnt mean I am not at risk of relapsing- for my mind to conjure up some rational that I fall for.

    This journal right here is what I am hoping will help me through that. No bullshit. No excuses. Zero tolerance policy. No room for mind to even try to make a reason.

    Lets get there. One day at a time.

  4. igrow

    igrow Member

    Thank you. I appreciate that. I checked your journal out briefly. Great job. Keep it up and be all that you can be.

    Be extra mindful now that you've had sex and had a release. In my experience a couple of attempts ago, I found that after having a release (happy ending massage) after day 50 or so, when I was feeling strong as fuck, it knocked me off my game. Perhaps the chemical release of the orgasm caused me to lose balance and a relapse followed shortly thereafter. Be vigilant!

    Good luck, and lets enjoy reading each others successes.
  5. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Thank you for the reminder my man. It's good to hear. I'll be sure to keep track of the relapse potential.
  6. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 3

    Another day successful. The day had its challenges. There is a lot of stress going on in my life- emotional stress is a trigger for me, seeking escape.
    I stayed mindful and fought through the cravings and was mindful enough to stop the usual automatic responses.

    Waves of irritability and restlessness. Watching them come and go. Remembering that this is all part of the process and I'm prepared. Its still very early days. Then again even day 50 /60 /80 will have their challenges. Day by day, day by day.

    Journalling has helped a lot. When I get a wave of cravings or find myself in a situation that would usually trigger a porn session, I open up a word document and start typing. Helps keep focus.

    This is the beginning of a successful recovery story.

    Keep moving forward.

  7. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 4 - Success

    Another successful day. Feeling an energy build up / getting hornier. Still having waves of lethargy and mind cloudy feelings. No porn, No masterbating.

    Challenges come up in all forms. Noticing my mind looking for outlets to get a fix. Today flew by as I was very busy with work. Being busy with work is useful. Useful but not to be used as a crutch, I'd like to get to a point where I am strong enough to stay mindful throughout a non-busy day.

    Staying strong. If you're reading this- Stay strong too. Its all worth it. YOU know its worth it, your mind is just playing tricks and trying to rationalise a different logic that you havent thought of before. Ignore it. I highly recommend meditation and journalling.

    Day by day.

    Battlesword1 likes this.
  8. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 5 - Success

    Another successful day. Very hard, after I posted last night and was in bed, a friend sent random unexpected nudes to my phone! Now, thats a challenge I wasn't expecting... I deleted the conversation and the pictures and didn't get dragged into the road I didn't want to go down. But it was hard, after that I couldn't get to sleep for a while and my mind was racing and struggling. In the past, past quitting attempts I remember thinking that sexting isnt bad if I dont masterbate... "its not really technically porn" etc... However, i've learnt from the past and will not be as naive this time. Anything that is sexual in nature in any way is causing the same circuits in the mind to fire and strengthening the addiction. I won't have that this time. Too determined. Too strong. Too much self care.

    The cravings come and go, I enjoyed my day today and was quite busy. Which does help. I must stay mindful every day, even on days like this that seem or feel easy. Those are the days and times in the past when I look back that I was most vulnerable. Thinking I was being strong and finding it easy- then before I know it I've relapsed and made an excuse or twisted rational.

    I don't want and will not disappointing myself again this time. I will not disappoint myself. I will not let my mind make any excuses. This is the final reboot and no matter how hard or challenging it gets, no matter how many waves of irritation or mind fog come, no matter how stressful my external circumstances are. I will get though this. I will get to the states of mind that are much clearer and balanced, more stable. I will make that my new baseline and achieve and be all that I can be.

    I won't be a slave any longer to my minds conditionings - addictions. I will strengthen myself by staying mindful - meditating and strengthening my prefrontal cortex. I will journal daily and remind myself of what I am doing and why. I will take the measures that need to be taken to prevent a potential relapse and keep taking further measures as and when they come up to give myself the best chances of success. E.g- after last night, I will be leaving my mobile phone downstairs from the time I decide to go up to journal and sleep. Removing the potential of receiving a text that could lead to even a temptation to sext. Its also great for me not to be on my phone at such times where my brain (due to lack of its usual stimulations) is craving some sort of a fix.

    Another successful day. I will continue to stay and be strong mindful and consistent and get through this.

    Day by day.

    -Luke- likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It requires a lot of self-control when a trigger like that comes out of nowhere, especially on a day 5. Well done!

    I totally agree with the second part of paragraph. The addicted brain doesn't know the difference between hardcore porn, softcore porn or just plain nudity on a screen. Here's quote from the YBOP book:
    igrow and Battlesword1 like this.
  10. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 6 - Success.

    Another successful day.

    I must not get complacent. The trickiest part in the past is when you have moments or a day or two where you feel strong and notice a couple of standard triggers dont create that 'pull' any more and you're able to stay and be mindful. Those days and times are trickiest and most 'worrying' because those are the times where the mind plays is best tricks. Where out of nowhere you find yourself relapsed and have to then connect the dots looking back. Usually after 1-2 months of foggy 'what the fuck just happenedness'

    So no complacency here. Its day 6, soon it'll be day 60 and I will still be writing here daily after each successful day. Reminding myself why porn is bad, reminding myself that my brain has a problem with this, that there is an addiction there and that each day I need to be conscious and aware and to fight it.

    Every day my brain is getting healthier and healthier. Thats a great reason to struggle through the fog, the withdrawals, the tension and the waves of restlessness.

    Today was relatively good. I remember one strong wave of restlessness which I recognised and decided to meditate. Which helped a lot. I also realise because I am horny and that energy is building up. I'm likely to open up chats and start conversations with girls I've sexted in the past. Of course deep down hoping to lead to....... This is a behaviour I've noticed has lead to relapses in the past. Ive analysed it and identified the trickery in the rational. So, I stopped myself from starting.

    Why porn is bad for me;
    -It makes me lazy
    -It wastes my time
    -It dulls my mind
    -I stop thinking as efficiently and effectively in other areas of my life
    -It has a negative impact on my relationships (an impact I need to explore and understand better)

    Thats all. Day 6 done. Another successful day to a healthier mind and better life.

    Day by day.

    -Luke- likes this.
  11. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 7 - Success

    Today was a busy day so there wasn't much room for struggle. Being outdoors and in company helps a lot. In solitude of course is where the real challenge is- at least for me, I never PMO'd when others were present.

    I woke up very horny today and had the thought to sext. I need to remember to keep sexting firmly in the same category as porn. In the past I did not and it lead to relapses.

    I am and will stay strong. I am and will stay mindful. I am and will stay PMO free.

    Why porn and sexting are bad for me;
    -Clouds my mind and makes me lazy and unfocused
    -Reduces my motivation and aspirations in other aspects of life
    -Creates and allows delusions to stay in my mind- that these are real relationships
    -Allows a dopamine imbalance to continue deteriorating other aspects of my life that I otherwise could and would enjoy
    -Has ruined relationships with females that were and probably are great for me.

    I will not let myself be anything less than my best. I deserve my best. I will go into my 3rd decade, healthy, wise, clear and strong minded. PMO free.

    This is a success story in the making. Send good vibes ya'll.

    Will break down this addiction of the mind and let my Soul be free.

    Day by day.

  12. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 8 - Success

    Another successful day. But the hardest by far. A combination of stress and an unstructured day caused a lot of cravings for escape. I almost relapsed and found myself beginning to search for non-porn but sex related videos that would give me an escape or fix. I was strong enough to observe it and not get dragged down but it was hard.

    I used the tools that have been acquired over the years of past attempts. I wrote in my journal, I meditated, I sought company so I wasn't alone. I went outside for a long walk and had some positive self talk conversations.

    These waves will come and go, they will be present during especially stressful or overwhelming times- of which I will be going through many. But I will keep and stay strong and get through this.

    I dont even want to watch porn. Its just an addiction my mind is trained to have. I dont want to watch porn. Its a waste of time and I have better things to do with this gift of life. I also dont want to bust loads for no reason, that energy is considered 'life force' and 'vital' energy for good reason.

    I will stay strong and get through this.

    Day by day.

    Moses1991 likes this.
  13. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Good job on Day 8
  14. igrow

    igrow Member

    Thank you. Great job on your progress too. Keep it up my man.
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2020
  15. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 9 - Success

    It's been a hard couple of days. But this is all part of it. Its hard to tell if its the no PMO or stress in my life right now that is causing these feelings. Either way, zero tolerance on relapsing. I'll get through it. Trying to see every hard challenge / day / situation as an opportunity to grow. Shit loads of growing happening right now :rolleyes:.

    I appreciate the people who take the time to write here. Learning from others articulating their triggers also helps me. Stress is a major trigger. Distraction is looked for when things get tough. It doesnt help that some sexting friends are very persistence. I really should cut them off for the time being rather than relying on will power.

    These days usually I start hearing my mind make up more excuses and rationals to try to get me to go back to porn. Its crazy to think these same thoughts come up again and again every attempt. I note them down to make sure I dont fall for them again. One is to just browse sexual related youtube videos as 'its not porn' Im well aware that these are as bad as porn during this time, so zero tolerance on that. Another is that for certain fetishes/words Id search on porn site, to search them just to see if there are new videos but not watch them. Crazy right? But that rational beat me in the past.
    Happy to hear others experiences of strange or convincing rationals that their mind tried and successfully tricked them with.

    No matter what I hear my mind saying, I am not going back to porn or sexting. I am totally rebooting and getting my brain and life back on track. Ive been watching porn since 12. My entire adult life has had porn and regular porn in it. That is crazy to think about, somewhat daunting? Am I ready to know life without porn? Am I ready to know myself without it? Perhaps these thoughts are just side effects / anxiety coming up as part of the process. Im sure all will be well.

    Good luck to all.

    Day by day.

    Battlesword1 likes this.
  16. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 10 - Success

    Tough as expected. More tough first days 1-5, 6-10 has been harder. Stronger waves of cravings coming up. Less so lethargy as was the first few days. These days more irritation and restlessness.

    Caught myself a couple of times today - was alone in bedroom with laptop, noticed I was craving and realised the situational trigger. Again later in the day when frustrated internally and when my body was restless. Usually a quick fix is to get lost in porn or sexting. I went for a run instead. I reminded myself today that I need to have activities and goals set to channel the build up of energy. Without having that in place I cant expect to be successful in this journey to a better self.

    Stay focused.
    Stay grateful.
    Stay ambitious.
    Remind yourself why. Remind yourself that the struggles these days are to be expected and to use those struggles as opportunities to grow and create new positive habits. Dont get overwhelmed by the frustrations and give up or revert to a weaker Self.

    Day by day.

  17. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Welcome to double digits mate. you're on the right path. I'm liking the journaling you are doing. I think its very positive. Keep up the good work!
    Moses1991 likes this.
  18. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 11 - Success

    The struggle continues. Sometimes we wish life was simple and helped up is our endeavours and struggles. Sometimes life just throws more on you. To whom much is given much is tested.

    Stay focused and remember the biggest risk is external stress. Keep your head. It'll all pass.

    Day by day.

  19. Joe Makuza

    Joe Makuza New Member

    Do you have any hobbies or activities you take part in
  20. igrow

    igrow Member

    Day 12 - Success

    Very busy and emotionally challenging day.
    Staying strong.

    Staying mindful. Staying committed. I can not and will not lose. Whatever it takes, its getting done. Too much at stake.

    The best version of me really needs to manifest and be present now. I can not and will not fuck this up.

    Day by day.


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