10 Months of abstinence, then relapse

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Moses1991, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    You will get past the ED eventually. Your body has been supplemented with viagra, which potentially was doing about the same damage as porn. while porn was affecting the mind and your dopamine release, viagra helps with the bloodflow (most basic explanation). suddenly not having it, your body has to do it normally. you need to flush your system completely and go back to zero IMO Moses. No porn, no viagra. Let your body heal itself without crutches.
     
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  2. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Day 56 - Success.

    I asked my gf to pause on sex for 30 days. She agreed, and i'm hoping this doesn't make her feel undesirable. I think I need to cut out viagra and O for a little while, just to see how it goes.

    Even though I have relapsed once in the last 4 months, i'm apparently still having ED. So, i'm not sure what else to do about that. I'm wondering if it's something else like anxiety or stress. There is a lot of stress lately.

    On the bright side, it's all getting better. This autumn season looks promising. I'm finding myself feeling optimistic about it all.
     
  3. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I don't give up.

    but i'm not stupid, either. Something isn't working, so my approach must change.
     
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  4. igrow

    igrow Active Member

    You've got this brother.

    Take it day by day and make progress, focus on the good and the improvements you want to make in your life. Keep that as the focus and not the fog thats getting you down.

    God is with you.

    Instead of the cake, send a prayer.

    Wish you well Moses.
     
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  5. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey dude, glad to she that your gf is accepting of this. I'm sure she welcomes the idea of you being fully functional in the near term. On the helping her feel desirable front, there are small things you can do. It doesn't have to be intimate, but massages, sending her flowers at a random time, cooking her fav meal, a thank you card... Little things can go a long way to helping someone feel they are appreciated and desirable. And, if you do get a solid erection and she's there, get going. You can violate your own rule if the moment is right and you're functioning!
     
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  6. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Bought a ring, didn't propose. Today she mentioned that she is rethinking the relationship. (For religious reasons.)

    There are plenty of other things to be stressed about, and I actually don't really feel like posting..

    But I think it's important for people to know.. stress is ultimately the reason why we relapse. Part of this process is stress management and healthy release. That's what i'm looking for now.
     
  7. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    We broke up this tuesday.
     
  8. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey Moses,

    I'm very sorry to hear about the break up. I know it probably sucks a lot right now, and your emotions will fluctuate between sadness, angst, anger, resentment, and maybe even happiness at the prospect of being single, but this will pass. My only advice, and it doesn't have to be right away, is to use this as an opportunity to focus on you: Get you to where you want to be. So when the perfect lady comes into your life in the future, you can give her all of you.
     
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  9. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Update- so that nobody thinks I gave up on my journey.

    We got back together about a week after we broke up. That was probably a mistake. She can't stand my church at all, and it looks like she just plainly wants to erase everything that makes my identity. We went to my church once in the last two months, specifically to help someone in need and she was tense and pouty about it. Like a toddler.

    She was great as a partner for the first months of the relationship, but I just feel like someone that loved me would at least let me go to my church. I even asked to go alone. I'm not telling her what to believe, but she can't stand that I don't agree with her beliefs.

    If she continues this way, I'm going to be the one to end the relationship. Or I'll happily hold the door if she decides to walk out on me again. I care for her greatly, but I fundamentally won't be satisfied with erasing myself... to keep her happy.

    In an objective sense, I'm relapsing about once a month, like usual. I removed my counter because I'm thinking my PMO struggles aren't just porn related, I think my life problems are feeding into this. So, looking at my quality of life, and not basing it on my porn counter.. has been good for me. I don't have to be +100 days porn free in order to be happy. Taking it one day at a time and not focusing on a streak has been good for my mental health. And, Ironically, I think it's making it much easier to live life without porn.

    and on the subjective topic.. it seems depression, loneliness, relationship stress, and possible sex addiction are in question here. It's apparent that for me, porn addiction is a symptom of a larger problem. I'm not sure what that larger problem is, but after all my reading last year, I feel closer to self-fulfillment and independence than ever before.

    Well, I'm going to keep reading. Right now I'm reading Noah Church's book. I'm going to just keep reading and gathering information. I might even switch to just reading for pleasure.

    I'm also going to pick up running as part of my workout routine. I find it's good for my mood.

    I am also thinking that my last porn streak was when I was single. Because of how she is acting, and because of what that has done to my life and health, I might just drop her. (the way things are going, she might end it first, and I'm okay with it this time.)
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2020
  10. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I forgot to mention on Monday night, at least one of the things I learned.

    I even wrote it in bold so the impatient ones do not have to read all of my ramblings.

    I used to think that porn clouds my thinking. And, I still think that. However, doing a lot of self-reflection these two months.. my thinking in general is flawed. My views and opinions on relationships and my methods of coping are ineffective. These views and opinions must be re-learned through example or book.

    For example, my last post makes it sound like I'm dating a dismissive, controlling woman. A healthy way of coping probably doesn't involve going on an anonymous forum to complain about my partner. Truth is, she is very sweet and loving to me, we literally have just one problem and it's the religion thing.

    Healthy people probably cope by going fishing, going for a walk, doing something they enjoy. Even when they do talk to others about the issue, the healthy ones talk about it in a way that doesn't make their partner seem demonic. And yet, when I'm in that moment, I get this... tunnel vision. I see just one thing and it's the problem thing. This tunnel vision also happens when I'm relapsing. It's like the one thing I see is the women on screen. The last couple times I was able to step out of myself in these moments and put a stop to the tunnel vision.

    Which, by the way, is the goal of meditation. The goal isn't to stop your thoughts, it's to avoid getting lost in them.
     
  11. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I wrote down my sexual history since age 7. When I say sexual history, I mean everything involving the topic.
    I mean every thought, curiosity, action. Every peek, every touch, everything. I wrote about my confused feelings for my cousins when I was very small, I wrote about every secret, and every moment that I had gone through sexually. Upon writing those moments, many more moments came to memory that I had forgotten for years.

    I didn't intend to at first, but during a phone call with a good friend, I shared this history. I cried a lot, which was not expected either.

    Even though I did not have "10 months of abstinence" this year, I feel much closer to living a free life. Along the way, my view of this problem has changed. My own nature has changed. My relationships, and even the way I view the world have all been altered. For the better, I think.

    Let's see what the rest of 2020 will bring. And then 2021.
     
  12. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I'm looking for a blue-collar job.

    Ultimately, my goal is to live with minimal internet accessibility.
    I downloaded an app that blocks all porn, or lewd sites on my phone, and you can add your own sites that you want blocked, so I blocked meme websites.. since they post lewd pictures as being funny. I'm still able to access my bank account and email this way, and nobody gives me weird looks for having a flip phone. And I can still google things.

    With everything I've read, there are some authors claiming that porn addiction is a serious, lifelong struggle. Other authors view it as more of a problem that can be grown out of. It's getting tiring to read it all, and I'm happier spending my time reading about happier topics anyways. Instead of straining my willpower, spending all this time, and dealing with the emotional struggles, I'd rather just restructure my life. Wouldn't everyone alter their lives if they knew it would make them happy?

    So, this is why I got rid of my counter, because of situations like this. I logged onto a camgirl site like normally, and in the room previews, it does show nudity. However, I went to a room with a woman wearing a regular t-shirt and we spoke for about 20-30 minutes, and then I logged off, no money was spent.

    And, in one view, I don't see that as a normal, healthy behavior. Making a throwaway account, to talk to a model, and then deciding against doing anything.. that still feels like a slip-up. Especially because I did that at work. My phone app blocks that site entirely.

    But.. this wasn't an 4-8 hour PMO binge like I was experiencing in 2018. This felt healthier, and like I was more in control. I think it's because I wrote down my full sexual history and told someone about it. It gave me a perspective that I didn't have before. Each coming year, I do just a little better at stopping myself. I have never quite reached it yet, but I don't feel like that weird guy at gatherings, and my social anxiety is gone. My depression is mostly gone, and I definitely have periodic anxiety, but I think that's because of my life situation, and not the porn.

    And, I think that's why I am, where I am with this. I'd rather just re-do some of my choices. Bail on the white collar work, and do something with my hands. It's not like I'm a small guy, and I already lift in my spare time. The only issue is that I'm so ignorant of the trades, and what to go into.
     

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