Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Is there a better alternative for you? A school that can offer almost the same amount of experience as Columbia (that's the New York school you're looking into, right?), with more of the ambiance that the Philly institution has? I know you don't have money being a college student, but I'm positive you will get there to the big leagues in terms of overall success. The best way to measure a 20 year old's success is to see what degree they are pursuing (along with grades), what institution they are at, and what kind of views/morals they have on life (I.E. I don't view someone who is worth $20 million but is on their 4th failing marriage to a young model as more successful than someone worth $1 million with a happy first marriage and family), although I admit the last part about morals is just an opinion of mine. Your point about the deathbed is very spot on. And bro, I actually was thinking maybe the street and pimp life would've caught up with you, since you're a big time baller (in the literal sense aka basketball) and what not, lol.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Actually I do have another school that I visited that is ranked top 90 of the best engineering schools and it also has that kind of energy that the Philly school has. That school is also an option. Basically there are three options that I am seriously considering: The school in New York ( no, it's not Columbia...it's a school actually ranked above Columbia's engineering degree), the Philly school, and that third school (which is in Connecticut) The school in Connecticut would seem to be the best choice ( since it's a balance between the two) but the problem is that one of the things that I wanted to do was to move closer to where Erika is at. She is in New York City and the school in Connecticut would be the farthest away from where she's at. It's usually not wise to base a career defining decision on a relationship but the whole point of me leaving Pittsburgh was for me to be closer to her. So that's the main reason why the Conn school has taken a backseat. But it is still an option and I know this will be a really hard decision to make. Obviously, I've talked to Erika about this...and she's not really giving me insight..it's like she wants me to make a decision without her butting in and influencing me...but at the same time it would help for her to at least give me her opinion. I just don't know man..but I have time before I need to make the decision so I'll keep calculating the implications of each school Oh I see, you also better add this to the list then : Their drive and ambition. Because I know I have plenty of those two also. Speaking of basketball, that's another thing that capture me about the schools.The school in Connecticut and the one in Philly both have coaches that offered me a spot on their team, actually the one in Philly..after seeing me play, offered me a starting spot on his team next year (they are graduating two seniors, and both of them play my position). The school in New York isn't offering me any sports activities. And Modus, you know what happened to me last year when I made the team and was suppose to play...I kinda of regret not sticking it out, but this time around I want to play collegiate basketball because I love the sport and there is always a possibility for more opportunities to come from that route too. I never count anything out.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I finally just got home from all of my trips. I am exhausted but the trips were worthwhile and fun. Me and my dad really bonded, I use to see us two as very different in the way we view the word. He's more a cynic, and realist, while I'm more trusting and optimistic. During this trip, I realized that we are more similar than we are different. He ponders about the same questions that I have, and when he was younger, he had the same ambitions that I have. But due to the restriction of his time period, and obvious discrimination, he was confined to the level of where he's at now ( which is still a pretty high level). He told me that if he had the opportunities that I have now, he would have definitely been more accomplished that he is now. I never got to see this retrospective side of my father. I really do respect the guy, he's a bonafide genius. He was ranked top 5 of the brightest mind in his class of the whole country. He has published numerous physics article and anyone who is a researcher in the nuclear physics department has heard about him...but he hasn't broken the mold or made any new breakthroughs and that's what he regretted. He never had access to a particle accelerator or any of the tech that other scientist uses. He told me for the first time in my life during this trip that he was proud of the man that I am and is becoming. I literally had a tear in my eye when he said that. I'm glad that nobody else in the family decided to jump into this trip, we definitely needed that. So back to school tomorrow, and back to studying. This will be the last week of classes, and then the following week will be finals week. So my mind is focused on that. I'm also gonna look for a winter job, probably will be Lowes again and save up some money. Finally hitting the 20+ days on the reboot and I'm aiming to keep the boulder rolling. I know I've been here before so I'm ready for any urges and any temptations that will come. 90 days here I come!
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Hi Cham, I have been reading your journal even after I deleted my account = my fault (before nickname was digitalzone). But I want to ask why you get rid off your discipline counter? And what was included in your daily disciplines?
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I've been known by people, either online and in real life, to be a guy who's prone to overreact. I think it's a mechanism that I've developed to always expect and be prepared for the worst case scenario. Got the test back today..............got a 90%. I did better than all of my friends who boasted about how good they thought they did. Don't get me wrong, I still think this was my least efficient test of the year, but come on, talk about a overreaction. Got the program done, by myself with no outside help. It compiles and it runs. Will I get full credit for it, I don't know, but I am glad that I was able to do at least one program without relying on someone. This is why I like being thorough and document my life and feelings in this journal, because then I am able to go back and see how my previous mind state was during that time, and then I can analyze how I think and improve on it. I was never able to keep a diary because I always stopped writing, this has been the most consistent form of a "daily" journal that I've had, and it's been invaluable. I worry too much. It's fine and dandy to be prepared for the worst, but there is no need for me to then start stressing and worrying about it. I act what I preach, staying positive and focused on the next task.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Hah! I wondered how many would get that reference, yeah, I was born in France too and I still speak pretty fluently, I just can't keep up with the slang hahaha Hey digitalzone, I remember your posts, and its cool that you still keep up with my journal even though you're not active on the forum. The discipline counter was just something I made up to motivate me to keep to my daily schedule. Basically, it was to make sure that I stayed efficient. Any time I woke up late, slept too late, didn't eat right, didnt finish my homework, didn't workout, etc... I counted those as a lapse of discipline and I restarted my counter. I think I was able to go 35 days with no lapse in discipline, and those were my most efficient days of my life. It felt so good getting everything done,and being able to sleep with no worries. I saw a lot of gain in my lifting, my grades were top notch, but my social life took a hit since you can't really calculate how much social time you need to have each day. So after a while I took the counter off, so I could have more flexibility in my schedule to allow for changes and interruptions like a last minute invite to party, or when a friend needs help for something. I will probably bring the counter back after finals so I can keep the Christmas break efficient and fun.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I have the exams ahead of me so I will try it! But it's quite difficult when you fail in this as it demotivates you. Have a nice break and rest
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Congratulations on the exam bro! All that stressing really was for naught!
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I have been trying to get on my study grind and hit the books since Monday, but I have been disrupted or distracted any time that I was finally going to start. I swear that during Finals weeks, I become the most popular kid on campus (insert annoyance), everybody comes to me with help on their subjects. Hordes of freshmen coming to me for their precalc, or cal1 final, seniors coming to me to help them with their philosophy senior project paper...and of course, you have the girls that never studied for anything during the semester and now they want to charm me into tutoring them in their subject. Nahhh, good try, it could have worked back when I was single and vulnerable, but now 8) I actually had this one girl asked me to help them in their Microbiology term paper and I'm NOT even in the biology major. I mean, I tried my best to help them all and I enjoy helping people but this is overwhelming. I need time to study for my own test, I need to get the pick out of my eye before I take it out of yours. So I basically told everyone that tomorrow is the last day to get in contact with me about help..because after that day, I'm going to shut off my phone, lock myself away at Josh's house which is hours away from the campus and nobody would find me there, and then I will live in recluse and study my own stuff.......actually as i'm writing this, I've decided that I'm just going to recluse tomorrow and not see anyone. Why wait until Friday? There's only one person that I HAVE to help tomorrow, and that's because she has a disability(dyslexia) and I promised to help her with philosophy, which has some pretty tough readings. But beside her, I will be a hermit. I won't even eat at the school's cafe, I'll go as far as to go off campus to get my meal. That's how determined I am to get away from everyone... On another note, i applied for a housekeeping job at a fitness center on Monday, and I got a call back, they want to interview me. Anyone who has read my journal consistently knows that all of my previous job had been at retail and they know how much I HATED retail, but I need to work to get the money. I promised myself after those two jobs that I would try my best to get something besides retail and only if I couldn't get anything else would I go back to it. I need a job over the Christmas break so hopefully this housekeeping job is the one...I hope that they don't have me cleaning toilets....that would suck...
Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly" Hey man just reading some of your first posts and I see that there is a huge flaw in this mindset. Those urges are connected to your addiction and that addiction will take, most likely, 6-12 months before the urges will disappear. There have been studies in heroin addicts where images of needles activated parts of their brain that craved heroin. After 12 months there was no more activity in the brain from viewing triggering images. The urges will go away, but we have to give our brains a complete rest and reduce the amount of sexuality we expose ourselves to in order to reboot with the highest probability of success.
Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly" So my plan to recluse totally failed, and I was again bombarded for help. It was a bad idea to go to campus and this weekend, I will go to Josh's house away from everything and start my studies. My biggest test( Calc IV) is set for Monday, so this weekend is dedicated to it. Good thing about all of this will be that I will too busy for pmoing, so that adds automatic days.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Have fun with all of that studying, man! I actually have to do an online test by Monday for my Psychology class. Admittedly, I'm probably not going to need to have to study as much as you will, but I've got to work on a paper for that class as well. Both of our weekends are swamped lol!
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Relapsed at 27.... This is what happened. I woke up early at around 7:30am to start studying. About two hours in, I started getting distracted and my mind starts thinking about porn, usually I would resist these urges for a while and then they will eventually go away. Unfortunately, I didn't have that kind of time, I just full on masturbated, and then my mind felt clear and I went back to work. Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, if masturbation is going to clear my mind for studying for finals then I will masturbate every time. So this is another rare relapse, where I benefited from jacking off and releasing these urges. I'm taking a small break now, I will study some more for about an hour. and wake up early tomorrow and study all over again.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Damn I know how stressful it can get studying for finals. I was dealing with that all of last month and I still have one more to go. I wish you the best of luck with all of them. Mind if I ask why the duels were going to be the last challenge you would participate in?
Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly" It depends, what you consider by the word urges. Urges to porn? Yes, they will depreciate (I hope and believe). But urges to sex, I don't think so. Especially when we are 20+ and horny as a goats. My goal here is learn to control myself, to be responsible for my behavior and my acts. Recently I have realized, that with some things, I will be fighting all life. I don't think porn concretely, these things will change during life. In perspective of whole life struggling, you know what, it's not about day counters etc. Finally, I'm not sure if it's possible to reduce sexuality so much. There are still facts and we need to be more realistic. Heads up.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Took my two last finals today. I am officially on break. Feels really good. This has been one of the tougher semesters that I've had in my college career, and I was hoping to finish strong, but I kind of just scraped it till the end. I really don't know what to expect on my grade report, but honestly, I do not care.....there's nothing I can do about it now, and it's on to the future, the fall semester is now over. Definitely looking for a job for the next few weeks, I didn't get the housekeeping job that I mentioned earlier, they called me in for an interview, but once they told me they wanted a permanent housekeeper, I had to refuse. At this point, I may go back to Lowes. I'm going to try to have a PMO free Christmas break, it's hasn't happened in the last seven years, but it will happen now. I'm different person now, with different and stronger resolve, it's timet o put an end to it.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I'm back home! Yipee! Home to annoying siblings, nagging mother, and slow internet.......nah, just kidding....except for the slow internet part, it took me an hour (literally) for me to connect to this site. Do not have a lot planned for today. I'm not even sure what I really want to do over the break, I think I may just stick to my bed today, and relax. Maybe tomorrow, I'll start thinking of what to do, finding a temporary gym for the break to lift (upper body..since I need to see some doctors for my knee), maybe thinking about doing some independent research during the break (though I think my brain is fried from this semester), and finding a job. I just find it so fascinating how quickly things changed. Twelves hour ago, the only thing on my mind was how I would survive the next test, and now, I'm here pondering whether I should stay in bed today or workout. It's really fascinating to me.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Great that your are in a good mood. I love these days after exams, when you suddenly have time for many things, you do feel free and relaxed. I relapsed too, but it doesn't really change the things which are on the track. It's simply no-porn tendency and nothing can change it.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... I'm in even more motivated to quit this addiction. I'm in in a public library right now, and I saw an older gentleman, probably late 40s looking at nudes. At a public library!! Granted, it's not like everyone can see, but I can without effort. Anyway, I never want to be that guy. I don't want to be so addicted to the fake girls that I will go to public library to get wifi access and peek at girls. I don't think it's right, this is a warning to me : If you don't take quitting seriously, you will end up like that geezer. It's not going to happen. I will crush this addiction and accelerate towards my goals.
Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses.... Man, it's hard to imagine a person turning out like that; but obviously, by illumination of your own eyes, you see that its possible. It sounds pretty pathetic that an older gentleman would be doing that in the library; its downright sad, even. Let's annihilate this addiction until there is not a trace left!