Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chammorrow, May 10, 2013.

  1. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Damn, Cham. That sounds horrible, bro. Are you sure you won't be able to see Erika? Have you talked to her about this yet?

    When it came to the test you took today, did you make sure to have a good meal at least 30 or so minutes beforehand? Having to do all that thinking on an empty stomach could affect your ability to perform well.

    I'm sorry to hear that you need to have surgery, man. I'm praying that things turn out well for you.
     
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    No, I havent talked to her yet, she'll be so crushed man, she's made plans with her family that I would be at their Thanksgiving dinner next thursday. I have to go on three school trips next week, one near connecticut, one in new jersey, and another in Philadelphia. I knew i had to do these trips eventually since I have to go do an admission interview at each but I was counting on doing them in January. Turns out I have do by the end of the semester, which ends in three weeks. Next week would be the only times I would be able to do it without missing an classes, and my father is already making plans. It is possible that I can make it back on Thursday, but it would be a very close call man.

    As far as the test, no, I didn't get to eat anything, and you're right, that may have had a factor in my critical thinking. It was an early test, so I kinda of just skipped breakfast, I was too nervous to eat anything man.


    and for my surgery, I talked to my friend Josh a few minutes ago, who's had several surgeries, and he recommends that I see at least two other different doctors before I do surgery. He's had experiences of doctors wanting to rush into surgery, when something can be fixed through physical therapy ( which would be more preferable for me). I'll heed his advice and hold off on the surgery but thanks for your concern Daimon, I truly appreciate it.
     
  3. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    For sure, bro. You're a good guy, and you've given me great advice countless times.

    Man, regarding Erika, that sucks a lot bro. I feel for you, man. You've had this plans to meet her for quite a while, then academia had to find a way to override everything. I really hope that you can figure out some way to make things right for her, bro.

    I have an idea for your next test. Try to drink some Mint Tea in combination with a good meal beforehand. Man, there is something special about Mint Tea. You should check it out for yourself!
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Skype supports Linux download the fedora package and run from terminal

    Code:
    sudo yum -y install libXv.i686 libXScrnSaver.i686 qt.i686 qt-x11.i686 pulseaudio-libs.i686 pulseaudio-libs-glib2.i686 alsa-plugins-pulseaudio.i686 qtwebkit.i686
    https://support.skype.com/en/faq/FA12120/getting-started-with-skype-for-linux

    I think that short hair style looks really sexy
     
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Thanks man!!

    I'll will try to install it when i next get the chance, hopefully it works this time
     
  6. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    I was pretty down and bummed out yesterday, and that's understandable given what happened but as quickly as that day turned bad is as quickly as I recovered. I've really been able to condition myself to take an optimistic approach to life, but that doesn't mean that I don't need a small period of time where I can vent and show my frustration like I did in the journal a day ago. I need an outlet for expression and then can I reel everything in and look at it with new eyes.

    The challenges from yesterday are still there, but I've decided to do something about it. Regarding the mechanics test, yes, there is a possibility that I failed but I have a 97.45% grade average in that class, even with a F on that test, my grade would at the most go down to an A-...if that's the case, I will have to perform on the Finals to push that back up to a full A. Why am I getting bummed about this, I should be looking at this as a challenge to myself and that's what I will do. As far as the computer program, I am just being lazy and stupid. I haven't done one program by myself this whole semester, the least I could do is try a honest attempt at doing this final program. I have three weeks to do it and can use the teacher as a resource. No reason for me to get mad at that situation.

    That takes off two of the worries that happened yesterday, only because I changed and looked at everything in positive though realistic light.

    The knee surgery thing is a pretty big downer. It was hard for me to look at that positively just because of all the variables that get involved in injuries. However, I've been dealing with a bad knee since high school, so if knee surgery is needed. I'm going to pray, and hope for the best for recovery. If any bad implication comes about, that will have to be thought about and dealt with during that time. However, I will take Josh's advice and get other orthopedist's opinion on my left knee.

    I will definitely miss the Erika Thanksgiving diner, there's no doubt about it. I just won't be able to make it back in time. Not even close, and that's definitely disappointing. But I was overreacting a bit yesterday, yes, I won't see her next week, but Christmas break is only three weeks away. Honestly, if I've been able to not see her for a semester, another three weeks shouldn't be that much of a problem. I just know she'll be disappointed about the diner, but that can be reconciled easily during the break. I should rather look at next week as a great week for me to go to this schools, get my interviews done, and enjoy the campus while starting to make a decision on which school will be my main school.

    So yeah, I just woke up this morning with a different outlook on every situation. There weren't enough of a big deal that I couldn't see the good in them. I recommend everyone to start looking at their lives more positively. Most things are not that big of a deal, it's not the end of the world. If you can talk to someone do it, I talked to Josh and also to my friend's girlfriend, who's really good at putting things in perspective. I didn't let the momentum from yesterday carry over to today, I was very productive today, and decided to break the mold and meet some new people today which I did...more on that later, I guess.

    I wasn't a big fan at first, but it definitely looks like something that can grow on me with time. I was just so used to the long hair that sh'e been rocking since freshman year of high school but she's really does the hair style justice, Erika just looks amazing with it. It puts more emphasis on her eyes, which compliments her greatly.
     
  7. brasileiro69

    brasileiro69 New Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    dont give up !
     
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Had a pretty good day. I had lunch with my friends, and just hung around downtown and chilled. I'm in a particularly good mood because I'm officially on fall break. I get to enjoy today an stay up as long as I want and most of all, I don't have to studyyyy which has been a rarity in my life lately lol Everything's going decent, still trying to reconcile some of the problems from two posts ago in my head but besides that I'm not letting pmo take over and I'm staying positive.
     
  9. feanor9

    feanor9 New Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Good deal bro - some profound stuff here for everyone to take note of.

    It is amazing how things can change when you alter perspective - can really flip the paradigm. A lot of things have a positive spin that we too often choose to ignore. I thought your example of programming is perfect - if you apply yourself, you'll come away having benefited a ton more.

    I've also noticed you seem to be quite thankful for what you do have - maybe I'm just gaining this impression, but I do feel that it can add a lot of goodness and ability to find the positives.

    Enjoy the time off and make the best of it man. It likely won't come back for some time, once the real world hits!

    P.S - skype should totally be possible. If not, I'd suggest trying out Google Voice or Plus - you can use those to talk/ videochat through any standard browser.

    Good luck and keep this streak rolling.
     
  10. geniussy

    geniussy Guest

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    The french word "putain" made my day XD I'm french ^^

    And sorry for the fact you're not gonna see her...
     
  11. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....


    "As I looked at the Hudson River, onto the skyline of New York City, gazing at the bright fluorescent lights brightening up the evening horizon, I immediately realized how heavy, enormous, and even impossible my dreams and aspirations are."

    My new profile pic is a picture that I took just yesterday looking into the city during my college visit, it was my first time in New York, or near that area and my first time seeing how the capital of the world looks with my own two eyes. It was definitely a humbling experience. The people were all but friendly, the streets were littered with homeless, sickly looking people. Everyone looked at each other with suspicion in their eyes, but most avoided eye contact. The roads were patchy and looked worse than even some of the third world country's roads. Like I said, the whole thing was a humbling experience.


    ..Just a reminder, that I'm visiting these schools for technically graduate school. So I'm having this interview with the lady with long, black hair, she's wearing a skin tight skirt, and is constantly playing with her hair as she's interviewing me. She avoids eye contact with me and stares at her question sheet, when she does look up at me, she does one of the fakest smiles that I've ever experienced where the mouth does form a U but the eyes stays cold and distant. Of course, I am a very good observant, but I managed to give a really good interview to them. Right after the interview was when I had the change to go outside and take some pictures.

    As I'm taking pictures, people and students pass by, all of them walking as though they don't acknowledge me and my father's presence. Another lady then comes and gives a tour of the campus and the city and I see the technology of what this place has to offer. The campus tour lady even showed us the hotel that Kim Kardashian used a while ago that is owned by that school. I definitely had the feeling that the lady was doing all that she could to impress me or to show me the level of what it takes to live in this city.

    It worked. I saw the reality of New York City, the people working their asses off for the corporations and how tedious, and stressed these people were. I was disgusted by their zombie faces of them going through the motions and how I'm sure that everyone of these people at one point and time had dreams and aspirations just like I do. Now, they are just pieces. New York City has a way to really put you in a reductive point of view.

    This is when I started to looked internally at myself. What makes me so different than all of those people working for those companies, some as engineers, some as market investors, some as accountants and economics, architects..all as smart or smarter than I. How arrogant was I to think that I was so special, I am special in terms of the general populace, but in those buildings and in that school, I was as regular as Joe the plumber. All of them are smart, all want to innovate and change the world, when I met the advisor, he told me ideas that simply put my ideas to shame, but he never actualize on them. Why? Is there more to changing the paradigms than just being smart and having ideas. Why does all of these people who are geniuses in their own right not make their aspirations to better the world happen? Well because they lack power. Not even monetary power, but true power that let's you apply the changes that you want to make without anybody not even the government being able to stop you.....

    I better stop there before I lose myself to this rant....

    I have a newfound respect for Erika. I don't know how she's still intact and the same person as she was when I met her. How can she still be this serious about her own goals when she sees how many people like her ended. How does she not lose herself? I need to call her up and talk to her as soon as possible.

    In any other case, I don't want to make it sound like I had a bad time in New York because i actually had some fun, and some great bonding time with my father. But like everything else that I do, I'm always analyzing how everything works and how it relates to me and my goals.
     
  12. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    I identify with the feeling of realizing how utterly small one can be when looking at the rest of the world. I remember being in High School and wanting to change the condition of my family's suffering and wanting to have an impact on the world but once upon entering college, I had an epiphany of how tiny I was. How many other people had ideas just like mine? Meeting an older gentleman at a shop who was alike me in so many ways but hadn't succeeded in where he wanted to be in life scared me. What did I have that he didn't? And just as you say with realizing that many people who have come before you had very large grand scale ideas that make yours in comparison seem relatively small, I too came to face this issue. The man I met at the shop's ideas were pretty damn amazing. I've had some ideas he hadn't considered but his ideas which expounded upon already used concepts had me in shock that he hadn't made it in regards to actualizing his dreams. He was 37 years old; I was 18.

    Both you and I, respectively, are only men. Men have come before us, and faded away. I don't know how to remedy this issue yet aside from having hope.
     
  13. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    New York City is a paradox. On one hand it is a magical place, a melting pot with the best and brightest people and places the world has to offer. On the other hand it is a cold (especially this time of year lol), dark, unsafe, overwhelming and as you said humbling place where nobody gives a shit about you.

    You are absolutely right, it is the epitome of the rat race and also home to some of the rudest people anywhere. Whenever I go to the city I'm always taken back with how snotty everybody is. For example, if you bump into somebody at say the grocery store, the usual response is "oops, sorry about that :)". Bump into somebody on the streets of Manhattan and you will get a dirty look or angry stare, even if you are polite and apologize.

    And yea, for every awesome unique person or beautiful woman you come across (there are soooo many good looking girls in the city my god), there are tens or even hundreds of lifeless "suits" walking around like zombies tethered to their cell phones or rushing to whatever meeting. I'm sure they never pictured themselves ending up in this mundane 9 to 5 hustle and bustle they are now perpetually stuck in.
     
  14. feanor9

    feanor9 New Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Felt compelled to respond...

    I work in a big city as well. I went through a somewhat similar sense of awe when I beheld the sight of these modern human ecosystems, for the first time.

    I was in NY a few months back and I have to say I had a pretty different reaction. I had always had a pretty negative view of the city myself and didn't expect that to change. After a day or two, I wasn't fully converted and I highly doubt I'd ever live there, but I could just sense an urgency and a desire to get shit done in the place. Yes people are snobby, miserable, etc. Yes its pretty dirty and shady in a lot of places. Yes everyone thinks far too highly of it. But, at the end of the day, a lot actually happens there - massive decisions, major deals, lot of creative work, all takes place there. As for the "suits", having been among them a few times, some are certainly prejudiced and perpetually angry. But a number of them just want to get shit done and go home.

    You can argue whether that's meaningful in the grand scheme of things. I know that wouldn't cut it for me. But for some, its a clear path to affluence, sufficient comfort, and a "safe" future. Change is hard cham and people will always be skeptics. In fact, we must often be our own greatest skeptic to bring forth the best we have. But, I do believe the great things that are destined to have an impact on the world shine through. If you believe you can change something, immerse yourself and find a way. Maybe you find that your ideas don't work - that's ok - you know something you didn't know before! Start over.

    Just my 2c...

    Feanor
     
  15. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Thanks you all made some great points. I think going to NYC kind of glamoured me a bit. I was taken by surprised by it, but like feanor said, NYC may be a hassle to live in, but it is also the mecca of dreams, deals, decisions, and creativeness. I think I was so used to standing out from the crowd in my city, being the smartest, being the most creative, and usually the most modest, that I was taken by shock when I saw that there are alot of people like me in the big Apple. Instead of being unique, I would finally fit in with similar minds, and maybe collectively achieve our goals. Maybe my best bet in achieving my goals is to have a group of like minded individuals that have connections, and New York would be the perfect place to make those connections. ( Haha Here I go again putting a positive spin on everything )

    I just go done visiting the other school in Philadelphia. It's actually a great school, and the people over there was really welcoming. The school was not as technologically advanced as the New York school, but I saw that they had more to offer in terms of research. I have about four options for my "graduate" school, and they all have their pros and cons, I chose schools that I knew would impress me and they all have. I'm in a hotel room writing this right now, and I'm heading home in a few hours. Unfortunately I am missing Erika's thanksgiving dinner as we speak, but we've talked and she's' not mad or anything..just a bit bummed out. She said that I'll have to make it up to her during Christmas break ( Which is in two weeks by the way).

    I've been having urges all morning. I was watching t.v and a music video of Nicki Minaj ( and no, I am not a fan) came up and she was twerking and for some reason that really enticed me. After the video, I went onto youtube and watched all nicki minaj videos of her that I could find...I'm lucky that she's not a porn star because I would have probably looked her up on a porn engine. Fortunately, my pant zippers remained zipped up, and I regain control of myself when I asked myself " What the fuck are you doing right now!?"...I'm not going to relapse to some untalented woman whose job is to entice men like me and undermine what real women should be like.

    I haven't looked at my counter, but I think it should be nearing twenty days..which is a feat that I haven't accomplished in over three or four months I think. Oh well, like my thread title says, even if it takes me 500 relapses.....
     
  16. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    I 'm not sure if it was caused by the urges yesterday, but I had massive wet dreams last night...and yes, it is in the plural form. I went to sleep at about midnight, and was awoken four hours later by the first wet dream and it was literally the biggest ejaculation that I had in years..it was almost unnatural, the whole sheet was drenched ( I know this isn't a sight for you all to want to imagine but it was that massive)...I had to change the sheets and my clothes immediately. I went back to sleep and was again awoken a few hours later by ANOTHER wet dream, this one was less massive (it was about the size of a normal ejaculation) but it was pretty frustrating to clean up again.

    The good thing about this is that those ejaculations felt pretty awesome at the time, it was the most intense dopamine rush that I've had in years or maybe even ever. The bad thing is that first of all, I'm showing the same symptoms of a relapse, I have huge urges to PMO, and I feel like crap. I hate wet dreams because it takes you out of your groove, I was doing really well, and now I feel like I'm back on square one. Due to experience though, I know that I am NOT on square one, and I won't find an excuse to relapse because of these dreams. I guess that's what an experienced rebooter does. I think I'll keep a separate counter to count the days after a wet dream, just so I can have that in documentation.
     
  17. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Yeah, I understand what you mean about wet dreams. Sometimes it feels like they may interfere with your mojo. Conversely, I've seen a posts on the forums that state that after a wet dream a person's energy levels shot way up. I suppose it depends on the person.
     
  18. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    9-5 would be great for those guys, as it's probably more like 7am-9pm. They're the kind of people who don't really mind it, that's why they end up there. The likes of you and I and Cham will likely never be in that situation until our bodies give out, like theirs will (from heart attacks at age 40 probably).

    I see it right now developing from my accounting friends... a little more background on that: in a (good) accounting school, most students (myself included) want to end up working for the "Big 4" accounting firms, and all of us know that busy season is 70-80 hours per week at those firms. Here's where the difference lies, I want to work there to gain experience for 3-5 years and use that to get to a better career (40 hours, and even better pay) with that experience, whereas many of my accounting friends say "yeah but, imagine making Managing Partner and bringing in the $$$$", and to that I reply "yeah but, imagine being on your 3rd unsuccesful marriage and still working 70 hours a week at age 50".

    I see it now right now from my friends, it's those kind of people that end up in the endless corporation-slave state that you guys are talking about. If you already notice (at your current life stage) the lack of true life in these people, then you won't end up like them. Don't listen to those who will tell you "you will eventually be one of them", it's bullshit. If you don't want something, you're not going to go for it.
     
  19. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Cham buddy, I wish you would see the optimistic viewpoint in your visit to the university. You're obtaining a very high skill (engineering, aka BOSS) at one of the best schools in the nation (world, really). Think of the tens of millions of people that have degrees or are pursuing them currently, and you're in the top 1% of that.

    If I was an alien from another world, and I came to earth and scanned the human population of 7 billion to see who was the most successful, you'd be seen in my alien eyes as being in the top 0.001% of the population.
     
  20. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Even If It Takes Me 500 Relapses....

    Modus!!!! My main dude, what's up bud. I thought you were gone, thought that street and pimp life finally caught up to you son!! hahaha

    nah, just playing, it's nice to hear from you. I just hoped you would have came back to see me completely rebooted, but a year later, I'm still stuck on that cycle, well no matter, I see the finish line getting closer and closer.


    No, I'll never be a slave to the corporations or a slave to my job. I have several backup plans to make sure that I'm not in a position in which I have to live such a meaningless and monotonous life. Karl Marx really hit the point with saying that working tediously and monotonously without seeing the end result of your work devoid you of your humanity, in the end degrading you to a simple part in a bigger machine. Karl gets a bad rap because of his communist ideas, which were pretty primitive, but he had a very astute observation of the relation between work and living a good life. In the end, when you're on your deathbed, you going to think about what you did with your life, and all that paperwork that you did during your work years will mean absolutely nothing.

    Haha I was joking with Erika one day about what would happen in a worst case scenario, in which I was forced to be a slave to the corporations to survive, and I told her that I didn't have any problems going to Cameroon and living a simple but free life. At least, it would be better than the alternative. Granted, some of my family there are well off and lives in mansions...but you get the point..

    I'm not successful yet. Actually, as a college student, we're some of the most broke people in the US. I am pursuing success. Yeah, I know that this school would pretty much solidify me as a leader of the new engineering class. This school has a very high employment rate, and the starting salary for grads is a bit over $80,000 per year...which is amazing, even my dad doesn't make that much as a nuclear physicist researcher. But there is something to be said about environment. I could tell by just being in that school, that the teacher wouldn't care about how I do, admissions certainly didn't seem to care whether or not I was there, and the students all seemed cold and distant. The place pretty much looked like walking dead man. I have no interest in becoming a zombie...and I'm also pretty sure that there has to be a high dropout rate for that school. From the rigors that I saw there, there's no way that everyone who enrolls there is graduating. I even have some doubts that I would be able to handle all of what I saw. I've never considered myself a genius, just someone curious enough to want to learn about systems and their interactions with the world.

    Do the benefit outweigh the bad? I don't know. That is a decision that I need to make soon. I do know that when I went to that school in Philadelphia ( which isn't ranked in engineering) I saw that the school was an actual community, that admissions really valued me as a student, that the students all seem to be alive haha, and that the campus had the energy that I was looking for. I see myself thriving in such an environment. I may not be making $80,000 as a grad but is that really what I care about?....

    I don't know, Modus, it's kinda of a hard choice. There are changes that I want to make in this world, starting by cities, and I can only do that with power and prestige, and that New York School will provide that ( but i may become a zombie and lose my ways)...or I can go to the Philly school and thrive with my ideas and maybe even expand on them, but I may not have the money, power, or resume to actualize them in real life.

    Which ones would you pick?
     

Share This Page